I may not know much about Thai hookers....

.... but I do miss Andre the Giant and his posse.

Come to Brooklyn, baby

My underwear's so cute, it says "Brooklyn" in old-timey Dodgers-logo script across the butt.

So that's where all the baby fairy unicorns end up

Man: So yeah, he went away to a fairy commune, but I hear he's having a really good time.

Twas the Strike Before Christmas

Thanks to those brilliant folks over at Nonsense NYC...

Twas the Strike Before Christmas

Twas the strike before Christmas, and all through the city
New Yorker's everywhere seethed with self-pity.
The MTA and the Union, tucked in snug at the Hyatt
While 7 million commuters readied to riot.

Kalikow and Toussaint clashed over wages
Over long negotiations and through several stages.
The Authority said finding more money's hard;
We blew $50 million on Holiday fare cards!

TWU yelled "benefits!" MTA shrieked "budget!"
And at midnight on Monday, they both cried out "Fudge it!"
The subways shut down, the buses were parked
The engines cut off, and the stations went dark

And all through the city, from Rockaway to the Bronx
New Yorkers listened to the shouts and the honks
Of cars caught in gridlock and road-rage galore
And piece-mealing carpools so as to reach four.

Then over at the Hyatt, interrupting the fights
Was a whoosh of the wind, and out went the lights,
When a monstrous vision that both awed and feared,
Some Victorian figure, an apparition appeared.

But it was no demon, no beast and no hellion
It was none other than the ghost of old George C. McClellan!
He cried: "I am the great mayor, from New York 'Ought Four
The year that this subway first opened its doors

"And I drove that first train from City Hall headed north
I didn't stop. I couldn't stop! Such was the force
Of this marvelous creation, our underground railway delight
So for the sake of New York, will you stop this damn fight?!

You must quit these squabbles and come to a deal
So the buses and trains can return with true zeal!
On A train! On B train! On N train and Q!
On 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 train, too!"

With a whoosh and a gurgle and a clang and a sigh
The old Mayor went up to City Hall in the sky,
Which freed up the meeting, and the fate of our home
When both sides agreed and threw us a bone

So the strike ended there with an uneasy pact
But no one believed either side would clean up its act
And when the Post stopped shouting and you listened real close
You could hear the faint words of our benevolent ghost

"To all those stuck in taxis and on bikes
A Transit Strike to all, and you can all take a hike!"

(Matt Levy usually writes Officially, but these rhymes were written by his brother, Gideon Levy. You can reach Matt at officiallymattlevy@actiondirection.org and he can forward email to his brother, who is younger but much taller.)

In Gawker Stalker

"George Clooney was super-cute tonite lecturing about "Good Night and Good Luck" at NYU."

Why did I not know about this?! I keep missing opportunities to meet my husband, and this would have been the perfect one, as he was talking about my industry, after all. dammit....

Gawker's 123 Reasons to Love New York Right Now

So, this is what I do with wifi. And you all wonder why I don't have connectivity at home?

I still have to explain to you why men should bake cookies more often. maybe later tonight.

Gawker Doesn't Know Sports, But They Do Know Hotness

Indeed, the Yankees are pure evil.

I am bereft. How could my Johnnie do this to me?

How to Back Out of a Kill Zone

Not that this would have helped me yesterday, as I was boxed in on all sides. But it's good to know anyway.

When will I get my stunt driving training?

I prefer the hackleback

But I can't imagine anything I'd rather be doing at 3 a.m. than making this comparison.

To those about to nosh, we salute you

'Tis the season for party food.

This one is for Jaye

Who's your froggy?

Leprosy

When I stumbled out of the phone booth, clad only in a black silk garter belt and stockings and pulling a borrowed camel-hair overcoat shut around me, I ran right into Manda, who was kind enough to point out that I was covered in hickeys.

Unfortunately, I was kind of distracted at the time, so I didn't remember this crucial information until I had already pulled into my godparents' driveway and waved to them. Dammit! No time to apply coverup or change my scoopneck for a turtleneck, even if I'd had one in my bag.

Which is why I went into their house with my hair like <--- this, as obvious as that might have been.

But good thing I made the effort, because when I entered, I found not only my godparents, but four other close friends of my parents as well. And I have no pictures that even barely do justice to the spectacle.

Let's just say that had anyone noticed anything, it would have been convincing to claim a rash, a very extensive rash.

And yes, I know that I swore I was going to give up younger men. And also casual hookups. I'm still working on that, but apparently I need to wean myself, not go cold turkey. I'm just weak, and 20-year-olds can be so persuasive...

Stalker?

Ooh, you guys are all way too sweet. I haven't given you any new worthwhile content in months, you hardly know what's been going on in my life, and yet, you keep coming back! Checked my stats today for the first time in who knows when, and they were as high as ever. I love you all!

And then....
I saw that one hit came from this Google search. Dude, I look like the sketch. If you can't spot me on the streets of Brooklyn based on that, then maybe you don't know me well enough to be looking for me.

A change of plans

I thought I was going to drive into work tomorrow if there's a Transit strike, and pick up a co-worker or two along the way. I was wrong.

Wicked Good Guide to Boston English

Boston, you're my home.

I'm not sure why, but I can't stop laughing....

And with the bronchitis, that's not a good thing. Damn you, Overheard In New York!

"Girl on cell: Hi, I recieved my FreshDirect order this morning, and I ordered one regular eggplant but instead I got fifteen limes. So I was just wondering what I was supposed to do about this. Thanks, bye!
--Water & Fulton"

TUBA CHRISTMAS 2005!!!

This year's New York Tuba Christmas concert will take place at Rockefeller Center this Sunday, December 11th, at 3:30 pm.

Any takers? We can check out the tubas, then head over to the James Beard house for their Christmas party!!

More Overheard

I like her technique. Honesty is good. And if I hadn't given up both sex and drunkenness, I would try it out myself this weekend.

Ocean's Two

You know, I've had boyfriends in the past that shaved their testicles, and I have no problem with it. Kinda nice to have a cleaner area to work with, honestly. But I never had to do it for them! They took care of their business, and I took care of my own.

When it's your husband, though, maybe you go the extra mile.

Or maybe not. Jury's still out.

Do you have SONY's number?

Sony is finally trying to make amends for the collateral damage of their war with Apple. If you bought a Sony CD with XCP rootkit-evil "copy protection" (hah!) software on it, Sony will replace it with a clean CD.

And how do you know if you have an affected CD? Check the list here.

Come on-a My House

Apparently there's a bar called Maggie's Place, and I've never even been there. But what I really want is the egg concoction at davidburke and donatella. Anyone want to check it out with me?

Zombies Attack George Bush

Zombie soldiers trying to stop the war in Iraq! And how do they do this? By voting!

We could learn a few lessons here, people. Even the undead hate Bush, so how exactly did he get re-elected?

What's so funny 'bout Oprah and Dave?

So, Nomda Plume threatened to make a donation in my name to Oprah's Angels fund or whatever it's called. She was joking, of course, as I can't imagine a worse Christmas gift. Honestly, is there anyone who takes themselves more seriously than that woman? I agree with Surfergirl that she has "a near-pathological messiah complex," so maybe only Mel Gibson can compete with St. Winfrey for the self-important prick crown.

The recently healed "rift" between her and David Letterman is yet another example in the long list of "wtf?" moments. How could anyone be angry at David Letterman, and for so long to boot? And her refusal to say what she was mad about only confirms the suspicion that it was something petty.

Or maybe she just doesn't get the joke. Sad, sad, sad. I would be thrilled beyond belief if Letterman made a running gag out of me.

an ill-defined muddle

I continue to love Slate for always telling it like it is.

Hmm, I really need a new job, like yesterday. Anyone know someone at Slate?