I went up to G. to visit the M's yesterday. Visiting the M's in G is often a bittersweet event, for as much as I love them and they treat me like family, that sometimes only serves to remind me that they aren't actually family, and how small my own family is and how far away most of them are. Then I think how nice it would have been if I could have actually become family, say through marrying a son or cousin. Well yesterday was such an event (admittedly I was already moody and wistful to start with), because I had great company and conversation with the uncles and aunts as well. So much fun, so smart and well-spoken, and so adoring of the Maggie!
It's true, I want a big family. I always hated being an only child, and I'd always hoped to have several kids of my own. Interestingly, all the men I'm even vaguely interested in at the moment come from families of five or more kids, as do two of my closest girlfriends.
Then I went off to find my rock. Some days I can't find it, depending on the tides and the seagulls. Yesterday I found it, but the tide was still too high to sit on it, so I retreated to higher ground. After about half an hour, when the tide had gone out a bit, I went back to find my rock, and it was gone. Mysterious rock, disappearing in the sun-bleached expanse, only visible when your surface is wet. It made me a bit sad to see how easily you can lose something that's right in front of you, but at least I think I know how to find it again next time.
Days like that also make me blue because I think of LC, and I get all self-critical, alternately because I couldn't make the friendship work, or because I didn't cut my losses sooner. THEN I start to feel petty and weak, because I'm the kind of person who can't let go of this list of grievances that still surfaces occasionally from the back of my mind, and I see myself as this victim of her underminer ways. When honestly, whether it be a romance or a friendship, sometimes things just don't work out. One person does not always have to be at fault, and the other person a martyred saint. And she did me the great favor of bringing her magnificent and wonderful family into my life.