Why you're still single

I have lots of guy friends who can't understand why they're still single. Why are they surrounded by all these great women, but they can't get dates? It's very hard to tell a friend you care about that they're just not boyfriend -- let alone husband -- material, but perhaps this little anecdote can help shed some light on the problem.

For reasons not crucial to this story, I am friends with a bunch of brothers of a fraternity other than my own. One of these guys, let's call him Jackie Chan, often talks about his desire to quit his job and retire early. To be fair, he's got a great job, owns his house, and in general leads a responsible life. But he's not an investing whiz, he didn't write the great American novel/screenplay, he hasn't invented the next Google. His best plan so far involves marrying a rich woman, and of course she should be gorgeous too. I don't think he's considered what he would have to offer her in return.

Well, it certainly won't be his charm or thoughtfulness. The boys are having a party in Jersey, and Jackie Chan isn't going because he doesn't have a date. I've played stunt date before at this thing, and I've been known to use a stunt date myself for other similar occasions, so last-minute, I offered my services. Anyway, it's been a few months since I've been down to New York, and I'm going to be traveling for the next few months, so a trip to see a bunch of the guys and their women would be nice.

Not gonna happen. I just got this e-mail from him:

I might have kung fu in the afternoon on Saturday....
Would you mind meeting up at the Ball?

I did mention it's somewhere in Jersey, right? Oh, also it turns out that not too many of the guys are going after all.

So I replied:

Yeah, that would actually suck unspeakably a lot. Considering that I will have just gotten in from Boston, won't have a car, won't know how to get there, and will know like 3 people there.

I think I'll skip it this year and stay safely up north. But maybe some other time, if a bunch of folks I know are going and you're once again in desperate need of a date -- desperate enough to settle for a non-supermodel who's worth a few million less than what you aspire to in your "marry rich and retire early" plan... ;)

Have fun at Kung Fu!

Guys, in case you haven't heard, there was this revolution a few decades ago. We don't need you anymore; we only associate with you because we like to. Now, to be fair, Jackie Chan and I are never going to date; we're just not those kinds of friends. But bad habits don't stay contained; they have a tendency to spill over into other situations. So if you ever expect to convince one of us to put up with your stinky feet and X-Box addiction, you'd best start practicing the little niceties on the guinea pigs you already have available.