Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Thrown for a loop

Warning --stream of consciousness ahead. I'm rushing between meetings and if I have to take time to write this nicely, it will never get posted.

Remember the J. Crew Catalog? And the lovely pics of my uterus? You may have noticed a dearth of news about this lately. Sorry about that. But here's the thing -- every time I try to choose a donor, or do anything else to move towards the goal, I start to hyperventilate. My lovely red-headed step-intern (actually now a fully fledged coworker who ROCKS) gave me a copy of Choosing Single Motherhood, and every time I try to read it I start to cry and have to put it down. Sometimes I look at the donors and no one is good enough, other times I like them all and want to take them all home. I even started a last-ditch effort of asking a new round of friends if they wanted to help out, with no takers.

And then there's the Boyfriend, who sometimes would love to help out, and sometimes is totally freaked about the whole thing. With him on the fence about babies and me on the fence about our long-term future, I keep deciding that it's not a good idea. And yet, I keep deciding that, as in, the decision is never final, we keep rethinking.

Every year on February 13, my mother calls me to remind me of the anniversary of my conception. Yes, she has no boundaries, but if I dig any deeper into that, I'll have to start a whole new blog. A few weeks ago, I was looking at my temperature chart/calendar, and I realized that it looked like I would be ovulating on the 13th myself this month!

How exciting! Share the anniversary! Share a birthday with my child! How wacky, how fated, how perfect! But then the waterworks and conflict started, and here we are one the 12th and I have not procured any sperm.

Honestly, I thought it didn't matter. The Jolly German has me peeing on sticks, to more precisely pinpoint ovulation than the temperature chart can, and it looked like I'd gone early this month, over the weekend.

Last night, with the long weekend approaching, I suddenly decided that I really wanted to see the boyfriend, that I couldn't wait until next month when we go on vacation. Also, I really wanted to have the sex with him.

Don't get me wrong, I adore him. It's just that I can usually deal just fine when we're apart. But last night, if I could have jumped into a plane right then to go be with him, I would have. And that kind of transcontinental urgency? Yes, that is atypical.

I booked a flight for Thursday night (aww, Valentine's Day).

This morning, I peed on another stick. I usually do this for a day or two after ovulation, just to confirm the waning end of the pink stripes.

Holy God.

There resulted the widest, darkest, deepest pink stripe I have yet to see in three months of stick-peeing. There have been months when I couldn't tell a difference at all in a week's worth of stripes. This is definitely NOT one of those months.

I have never seen a clearer sign. I was right, I am ovulating on the 13th. (The sticks give you a day or two heads-up, here, read about it.)

So, now the questions:
  • Do I have time to choose a donor?
  • Will the bank be able to deliver in time?
  • Will my doctor be able to see me tomorrow?
  • Can I schedule this around the Big Important Meeting tomorrow?
  • Is this all just a sign that I should try with B Thursday night?

Please note that if I don't try this month, then B is my only option for next month, as we will be in the Caribbean during the critical time, away from the Jolly German and any easy way to receive cryogenic deliveries. So if not this month, then it's either B, or wait until April.

AND now I have another meeting...


Nina said...

Holy wow.

OK I vote you go to the J Crew catalog, get a donor, pay somebody to rush the delivery (pretend you are Britney or something - make demands). Then barge right on into the Jolly German's office and demand insemination. Then go visit your BF wherever he is and have lots of sex. Then you will definitely be pg and even better, you'll never be sure who the father is. So the BF doesn't need to freak out and you don't need to feel like you DEFINITELY were impregnated by some frozen stuff in a straw.

You're welcome.
PS I know I sound like a horse's ass right now, but I am serious. This plan seems best to me. Oh and if you put this off, one day you'll wake up and be 38 and debating whether or not to get your eggs frozen. Believe me, this dilemma only gets worse.

Maggie said...

You don't sound like a horse's ass at all. That's exactly what I wanted to do. I just wasn't sure if I was sane.

Okay, I have 45 minutes to pick a donor and arrange delivery. I already called the Jolly German this mornign to let him know the status of this morning's stick and to try to schedule an insemination, on the off chance that I'd have something in time to inseminate with.

Sigh, you try sitting through a planning meeting, with a stodgy coworker, an unpleasant boss, and a status-climbing and credit-stealing upstart, when all you want to do is go get pregnant.

Thanks, Nina!

Anonymous said...

"Is this all just a sign that I should try with B Thursday night?"

Um, does the boyfriend actually want to make a baby with you this week? It seems like you just keep assuming he's an option available solely at your discretion.

If the two of you want to have a baby together, then by all means go nuts. But if it is you that want to have a baby - as opposed to having it with a specific person - just get to the clinic already. It certainly sounds like the latter is the case.

And as for "do both and then you'll never know who the father is" suggestion, that seems like the worst of both worlds. Make a decision and have the courage of your convictions to stick with it.

Em said...

Wow. . .this is interesting! I won't say more than that only because I don't feel like I know enough about the situation to comment. But, I am listening.

Maggie said...

Regarding B, he goes back and forth. Sometimes he totally wants to take part, sometimes he's not so sure. When I say "Try with B Thursday night," I assure you that he would be fully involved in that decision.

I may be wacky and indecisive, but I'm not sociopathic.

Woodrow said...

I have awesome sperm. What's a straw of the good stuff worth anyway? How much demand is out there? When can I quit my job and start wacking off for a living?

Maggie said...

A straw of the good stuff goes for about $85 a pop on your side. But then they have to test and prep and freeze-dry and all sorts of magic. So I just spent $650, though that does include rush delivery charges.

As much fun as it might sound to whack off for a living, you won't make a career out of it. They limit the amount they accept, for fear of too many siblings. And it's not as easy as that anyway; it's a pretty involved process.

Funny, a large number are med students. . .

Nina said...

Thinking about you today. Let us know how it goes when you can.

Sara said...

I'm a new reader from Woodrow's blog and I'm absolutely FASCINATED with this whole process and your decisions. If you have a sitemeter, expect me to stalk your blog daily!

Maggie said...

Nina, thanks for the thoughts. I'll post again today to let you know how it went.

And for the record, several people off-blog have made the same suggestion as Nina did, so lay off her. And me. B is with me and aware of everything, step by step. You don't have to worry about me doing something evil and duplicitous to him.