Radio Free Maggie

These song lyrics used to make me weep every time I heard them:

Cath, she stands with a well intentioned-man
But she can’t relax with his hand on the small of her back
And as the flashbulbs burst she holds a smile
Like someone would hold a crying child

And soon everybody will ask what became of you
When your heart was dying fast and you didn’t know what to do

Cath, it seems that you live in someone else’s dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress with the things that could've been all repressed
But you said your vows and you closed the door
On so many men who would’ve loved you more

And soon everybody will ask what became of you
When your heart was dying fast and you didn’t know what to do
The whispers that it won’t last roll up and down the pews
But if their hearts were dying that fast they’d have done the same as you
And I’ve done the same as you

But I heard it recently on the radio, and not a single tear. I was actually able to enjoy the song!

It made me realize just how miserable I was when I was dating B. I was so terrified that the above would be my fate -- to marry someone I didn't love enough, just because it was expected and I thought I didn't have any better options. And now I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

Can PTSD be a good thing? I'm definitely having weird feelings and reactions as I sort out what had been happening, but I don't think they are bad reactions or feelings. It's sort of like being Rolfed, or untying a big tangled knot.

So for any of you beloved folks who have wanted to hate him on my behalf, please don't. He did me a huge favor, and got me out of a bad situation that I refused to leave on my own. (Though I love you dearly for having my back, of course!)

Shades of Bridget Jones

On Saturday, I felt a bit like dear Bridget when the neighborhood women and I gathered to ooh and ahh over the newest baby on the street. Cameron's mom got married in her late 30s after a marathon of internet dating, and then needed fertility intervention to have her two kids. The other women, moms all, got married very young and had less than no trouble getting pregnant (more like trouble preventing their pregnancies).

The Young Moms swooned over the baby. Then they started joking about how their ovaries hurt, and speculating on the baby boom that Cameron's arrival would trigger in the neighborhood. Because, you see, everyone can have babies, right? Why, certainly, no one in that very room has had trouble getting pregnant, right? Definitely not half the women in the room at that very moment, RIGHT?!?!

On the verge of tears, I got up to leave. Cameron's mom saw the look on my face and quickly tried to change the subject to something more encouraging and less... insensitive.

"Maggie, I meant to tell you! Remember my friend Camille, the one who had her son by insemination? She's engaged!"

Apparently this friend of hers, who had a child on her own three years ago when she was 39, has been swept up in a whirlwind romance with a 35-year-old she met through work. He loves her, he loves her son, the son is already calling him "Dad," and they're getting married in May.

At which point the traditionally more cluelessly insulting (truly, I don't think she means to be hurtful, I think she's just an idiot) Young Mom chimed in:
"Ooh, it's like some urban myth from Sex and the City; you always hear about women who get married in their 30s but you know they don't really exist. But now you actually know one, so maybe there is hope after all!"

I left. Cam's mom left with me, and let me have a good cry on the sidewalk before I went home. Seriously, it's like a scene from Bridget Jones, where the Smug Marrieds treat us like a different species or something.

Maybe I need more "Sex and the City" after all, and less Bridget. Certainly New York Magazine thinks this is a fine time for Singletons in New York.

Hmm, and George wants to see a movie tonight, how interesting....

(Also, the Captain checked in on me last night, but that has nothing whatsoever to do with marriage and babies, in any order.)

Raptors on Hoverboards

Oh, yeah, that's my hometown, baybee. I don't get the reference, but it just seems to make sense anyway.

I know a lot of you have been worried about me because there's been radio silence on this here board for several weeks. And I won't lie to you, it's been a shitty time. My ex turned out to be a Jekyll and Hyde asshole, who had been lying to me for the better part of 2008. And G doesn't exactly want to marry me quite as much as I do him. Happy Holidays, indeed.

But in rough times, your true friends are there for you, being awesome. And I have to say, I've been blessed with some very very supportive folks who have taken excellent care of me -- lending an ear as I go on and on, taking me out to entertain and distract me, giving me a port in the storm to escape to, or just rocking out. Big hugs and love to Jay, Trilby, Lynn, Tussy, Andrew, Jane, Denise, Josh, Jess, Jonathan, Margaret, Michael, Jason, Kendra, Ellie, Rodger, Isabel, Amanda, Brian, Ian, Zanne, Ron, Carlos, Pierrette, David, Simona, and my folks. I don't know how I would have kept my head above water without you all. But I do know that would never even be something to worry about, because I'll always have you close to my heart.

I'm off to New Haven this week, to ring in a well-deserved new year with old friends, in fine fashion and with many bubbles. I wish you all the best, and I look forward to catching up more soon.

Not all boys are evil

Of course, you knew that. I'm just being a little inflammatory for fun.

Last night, George and I went to the WFNX Heaven or Hell/1988 Prom/Halloween party at the Harp. Total blast, of course. But we're old, so eventually we had to take a break from dancing and sit down.

Separated in the crowd, I sat at a table in the corner and waited for him to find me. From there I could see him come into the back room, look around, not see me ... and then start talking to a young, cute, petite blonde. Officially I'm "not the jealous type" (at least that's what it says on my driver's license), so I watched for a few minutes, but then I got tired of waiting for him and walked over.

As soon as I approached, his face lit up and he put his arm around me as he introduced me to the promo girl handing out leather-bound thumbdrives. They were pretty big and clunky, and the 500 MGs wasn't nearly enough space to make it worth carrying one around. But he'd felt bad because no one would stop for her pitch at a party where everyone wanted Bacardi light-up devil horns.

I know there's been radio silence for a while. And you may have questions about the cast of characters. I'm sorry about that. But I'm trying to keep mum for another month or so, just until things sort themselves out. Until then, just rest assured that everything is fine (if incredibly busy), and that I'm very happy.

That satchel full of dynamite?

I didn't expect its detonation to involve projectile vomiting.
But now I know that's an actual descriptive term, not just hyperbole.

Money well spent

When a rock-climbing 27-year-old hottie hardbody (yes, yes, it’s the Captain) called my breasts “gorgeous” this weekend, in a playing-doctor scene that really should have given my almost 38-year-old self some serious body anxiety . . . well, I have to admit, it made the $10K I spent on that reduction a few years ago totally worth it. I promise, I will never again complain and get all insecure that they’re a teeny bit lopsided.

But what about B, you might ask? Well of course I’m thrilled when he admires me as well. But he’s not objective. And just because I felt validated by the Captain does not mean I don't also appreciate it when it comes from B; it’s just that I was prepared for the young hardbody to be a harsher judge, so it was a very pleasant surprise.

Oh, calm down. It's okay, B knows all about it. He let me play out some lingering distractions as I conquer my long-standing commitment-phobia. This unexpected hook-up with the Captain came after two years of flirtatious IMs and racy text messages that I never thought would ever transcend the typed word.

Sample exchange #1:
Captain: Why are you wearing panties? Why aren’t they around your ankles?
Maggie: Because I’m getting cash from the ATM

Sample exchange #2:
Captain: It’s hot and I’m in bed. Are you naked yet?
Maggie: Nope, playing Scattergories with my roommate.
(Later I fed the cat, too.)

What color is your aura?

The magnificent Nina has posted a color quiz for us all. As my life is very introspective lately, any and all analysis tools are helpful.

Especially when they're pretty spot-on. Check this out!

maggiebex took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Strives for a life rich in activity and experience..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

My Existing Situation
Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.

My Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.

My Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Insists that her goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing her to compromise. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner, and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

My Desired Objective
Strives for a life rich in activity and experience, and for a close bond offering sexual and emotional fulfillment.

My Actual Problem
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

Sure, YMMV, but I enjoyed it. If you take the quiz, please let me know how well you feel it got you.

Speaking of my life and what I want to achieve with it -- please continue to send whatever positive vibes or wishes or karmic juju or whatever your magic of choice in my direction for a desirable outcome. After all, you know how I "pursue my objectives with a fierce intensity and commit myself deeply and readily"!

PS: And then I could not stop myself from taking it again. Diff results, some overlap, still pretty good:

maggiebex took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Love in the Stars

Scorpio Horoscope: Daily Love horoscope:
"Your deepest fantasies are a little closer to reality today, and that could mean that you're about to make a big breakthrough! Your great energy is perfect for making big changes in your life."

Excellent.

Also, I might be going to the Hamptons this weekend!

And now for something completely different

While I've been writing about Very Serious Things, "living life explicitly" and perhaps Sharing Too Much, the interwebs have continued to churn out the funny. The past few days have been particularly rich.

So herewith, a selection for your amusement:

Echo Park Time Travel Mart, Barbarian Repellent

Star Wars according to a 3-year old

Monkey Star Wars

Official happy Sex and the City trailer #1

Longer, sadder, Sex and the City trailer #2

Stuff White People Like

I love New England

Jimmy Kimmel loves Ben Affleck (I point you to Gawker because they've got links to the whole history and lead-up of the gag)

For the Somervillionaires, TomCat Champion warns you of Snow Emergency

Okay, okay, and one that is related to current events, but still funny:
Handy forum abbreviations

We love you Henry Santoro!

This morning, driving in my car, I turn on the radio. I'm listening to WFNX, my favorite radio station, which I've listened to since 1985, which no other station in any city has ever been able to replace in my heart. Trust me, the New York years had no frequency; they were dry indeed.

As most radio stations are wont to do, 'FNX changes their format occasionally, especially during the morning drive. I've been slow to warm up to their latest effort, the Sandbox, but it has one saving grace that has kept me listening for the past few months.

Henry Santoro.

God I love Henry. Maybe it's because I'm so old, and I just don't relate to these kids today, with their lip piercings and their slacking and... okay, if you've ever read this blog you know THAT'S not true. But still, I love Henry. He is a gentleman, perceptive and erudite, an excellent speaker with a quick wit who elevates the broadcast every morning.

So imagine my shock this morning, when a few minutes after I turned on the station, I heard Hank suddenly announce that this would be his last news update for the station. The Sandbox kids sounded shocked and confused, but they sound like that every morning.

I suspected it was a prank, but called the station anyway, where an overwhelmed intern told me that the studio was empty because everyone had run after Henry to try to talk him down. After about 10 minutes of commercials and station IDs, most of the DJs returned to air, minus Henry and one person who was talking to him. They assured us that he was still in the building, and continued the broadcast as best as they could.

By the time I got to the office and had to stop listening, there had been no more news. This link is all the info I could find on the interwebs. No one at the news organization where I work knew anything about it. If you know more, please comment here!

Henry is a Boston institution and a legend of both the Boston music and broadcasting scenes. Please support Henry, send him your love, and get him back on the air!

UPDATE: I just listened to an audio link (also linked above) that I picked up from Ken Jenning's website forums. As I said earlier, I tuned on the radio just in time to hear him quit and leave the studio. Now, having listened to the whole show and also read Jennings' forums, I have a few fresh thoughts:

1. First of all, just to clarify, I have no comment on C. Marks and what he says about Jennings and his fans. I had no idea why Henry stormed out, I just want him to come back. I didn't even know who Ken Jennings was. Though this guy Isaac from the forums does seem to be a known troublemaker, and the Sandbox guys did refer to a person, in the singular, who was calling repeatedly to complain to the station.

2. I know the management at FNX has a bad rep, so I kind of figured that this was about the folks upstairs not backing him up when people called in to complain. That said, now that I've listened to the whole thing, it still sounds like a stunt to me. I notice that they keep mentioning Henry's 25 years of experience. Is it possible that today was Henry's 25th anniversary? Or the station's?

3. I think the comments below are a testament to how much folks love Henry. No one here questioned what happened, they only expressed support.

I know a guy who works at FNX, and have popped an e-mail asking for more deets. Maybe we'll hear the rest of the story tomorrow morning on the air?


YET ANOTHER UPDATE, a day later:
The following day, Henry was back on the air, but with no explanation of what happened. I still think it has something to do with a 25th anniversary -- but I also hope that Hank got a lovely free meal and lots of booze out of it!

Also, Ken Jennings was an incredible tool in his humorless response. Oh, no! Now they're going to gang up on me! Okay, Ken Jennings' response was no fun, is that better?

Jennifer Jennifer

Last night I finally managed to watch all of Shortbus without falling asleep. I've had it for months from Netflix (Oh, god, I just checked my queue, and apparently I've had it since 06/05/07 -- Most Expensive Rental EVER), but at least three times I fell asleep in the first ten minutes. If you've seen the first ten minutes, you know how odd this is -- or maybe how tired I am. (Should watching it with someone young enough to be my son have been awkward? Because it wasn't. Maybe I'm just ridiculous.)

Without giving away anything important of the plot, there's this domme who says her real name is Jennifer Aniston. Continuing on a theme, today this very pleasant Aniston news came over BANG, our British gossip feed:

Jennifer Aniston is dating 'Sex and the City' star Jason Lewis, it has been claimed.
The 'Friends' star saw in the New Year in Mexico's exclusive Los Cabos resort with best pal Courteney Cox and her husband David Arquette and a goateed mystery man, revealed to be model-turned-actor Jason.
A source told America's OK! magazine: "Jason flew out with Jennifer, Courteney and David on a private jet from California last week. He and Jen have been seen hugging on the beach as they enjoyed the sun together."
The 38-year-old actress and the 36-year-old model have been rumoured to be dating for weeks, but have chosen to take their relationship to the next level by starting the year together.
Jennifer briefly dated British model Paul Sculfor last year and was also rumoured to have rekindled her romance with her 'The Break-Up' co-star Vince Vaughn for a short time.
Jason - who plays Samantha's toyboy lover Smith Jerrod in the 'Sex and the City' movie - previously dated actress Rosario Dawson for two years.

This makes me very happy, because I do adore Jen, and I think she deserves to be happy with someone who makes her smile and is as pretty as she is. From all reports, Jason Lewis is an excellent boyfriend, all happy and doting and supportive and non-competitive. So I have a good feeling that this will work out for her.

Also, the timing is perfect. Everyone is getting really sick of the tedium of the Brangelina PR machine, and casting Jen as the slighted victim is getting old too. It would be so lovely to give a new spin to the story and show her all happy and unfettered for a change!

Mantra for a recovering bitchy girlfriend

The Sweet Escape lyrics
(feat. Akon)

[Gwen]
If I could escape I would but,
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
Tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet, I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, Tell me boy wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

[Akon]
I want to get away, to our sweet escape
I want to get away, yeah

[Gwen]
You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanna take you with me

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Woohoo, Yeehoo
Woohoo, Yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, Yeehoo

Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Today's forecast

Daily Love for April 13, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com

Daily Flirt:
Emotions can be overwhelming, but remind yourself to breathe through it and that change can -- and will -- happen. Allowing yourself to feel something in its entirety guarantees that you won't end up stuck there.
[Breathe, what? That's actually been troublesome, love-wise, of late, so good advice.]

Daily Couples:
Your romantic instincts are strong. Now's the time to find a new way to show or tell sweetie how you really feel. They will be blown away by your passionate energy.
[I think I've been pretty good lately about being honest with how I feel, and I don't know how much more I would want to blow anyone away. Blown away sounds too much like "away" for my comfort, but I'll keep trying...]

Daily Singles:
You're bewitching, beguiling and not in the least bewildered, if the stars have their say. The right thing to say, the right move to make, the right place to be -- it's all occurring to you as if by magic.
[Magic! I'm telling you, it's all going to work out. I swear.]

but on the plus side...

(I keep thinking of really clever titles, but then as soon as I set down to type up a post -- whoosh, they're gone, and you're left with cliches...)

As I was saying, the good side of heartbreak keeps showing up:
1. Feeling something is good.
2. Although it would seem to be too soon for the nausea to be having any effect, my pants are way looser this morning.
3. Started working on a long-dormant screenplay again today, and also have a book idea to work on with my intern. We are going to be such a cute, charming and telegenic pair that everyone will want us on their talk shows. And you know that talk-show circuit = Green room hanging = meeting cute with My Husband backstage.
4. I feel gorgeous. And it's not just me who thinks so -- I've been complimented on both my hair and my teeth today, by two people. And the teeth got lots of attention yesterday too! Heartbreak is the latest whitening advance; someone tell Crest!

To stick with the theme, I was At the Good Pain for lunch today.

Tears of a Clown

Woke up nauseated. And hot-faced.
Cried in the shower again. Hoping I won't do that at work.
For now, the interns are taking care of me, giving me pep talks and letting me figuratively cry on their shouldners over IM.

But as miserable as I am, it's good to know that I still have a heart to break. I've had my share of crushes over the years, but I can't remember the last time I acutally cried over losing a guy. In a strange way, it feels good to be hurting like this.

Libertine

There has been a liberation. Free at last and all that jazz.

No, I don't really feel that good about it yet. The parts of today when I wasn't actually in tears, I wanted to be, but put on the brave face to be polite (in drunken company). Thank God for Eighties Dave, who perfectly called at just the right moment for me to cry on his shoulder. And that's fine; I need to cry more anyhow. Also spread the wealth among the many fine sturdy shoulders available to me, not lean on Von quite so much.

Things have changed, finally, in the PN firmament. Shaken up. Even Catmandoo isn't mooning around all lovesick and predictable anymore. Time has come for me to fall into step with the Revolution. I'm going to cast my attentions on someone who deserves them, like maybe the Captain. After all, if that Tarot card reading is going to come true, I need to be a good girl between now and August. Less aspiration, more appreciation.

Funny, before I started writing, I thought I had wittier, pithier things to say. So much for a 4 a.m. miracle; maybe I'll try again in daylight.

And yes, I know that's not what "libertine" means; call it poetic license.

Hook me up

No, of course it's not healthy. Unless you're a New Yorker, maybe.

But if you do somehow manage to have a relationship, here's a handy guide to breaking up in a Web 2.0 world. My only quibble? They tell you lots of ways to protect you from the other person, but only a few ways to protect you from yourself...

And if it gets really bad? You can always go over to the other side; it's better for the kids anyway.

Valentine never sent

I'm a jam tart, I'm a bargain basement,
I'm a work of art, I'm a magic casement,
A coal cellar, an umbrella, a sewing machine,
A radio, a hymn book, an old french bean,
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

I'm a dog's nose, I'm Sir Humphrey Davy,
I'm a Christmas rose, I'm the British Navy,
A motor, a bloater, a charcoal grill,
An octopus, a towpath, Hindenburg's will,
A villiage fair, a maiden's prayer, the BBC, a pram –
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

I'm a salmon, I'm a starting pistol,
I'm backgammon, I'm the Port of Bristol.
A Times leader, a child's feeder, an aspirin,
The Ritz Hotel, a boy scout, the wages of sin,
A shaving brush, a schoolgirl's crush, the letter B, a ham –
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

I'm an off–break, I'm a clump of beeches,
I'm a tummy ache, I'm Mussolini's speeches,
I'm Balmoral, I'm a sorrel mare, I'm a tug
A cigarette, an organ, a big bed–bug
A traffic sign, a rubber mine, a coffee tree, O damn –
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

-- W.H. Auden

Prehistoric Romeo and Juliet found

"Archaeologists have unearthed two skeletons from the Neolithic period locked in a tender embrace and buried outside Mantua, just 25 miles south of Verona, the romantic city where Shakespeare set the tale of Romeo and Juliet. Buried between 5,000 and 6,000 years ago, the prehistoric pair are believed to have been a man and a woman and are thought to have died young, as their teeth were found intact, according to Elena Menotti, the archaeologist who led the dig."

Lovesick Monkey Valentine!

Remember how I said I was going to buy me some art?

I did! I did! Wanna see?

Also, Haneway sent me a most excellent monkey-themed valentine card, complete with monkey bookmark/paperclips inside! I swear, this is going to be the best VDay ever!

Even though no one loves me and I am going to grow old alone and sad. But I'll always have my friends. And monkeys! Monkeys, I say!