Baby Whisperer: my next career

I am a Baby Whisperer extraordinaire, and Auntie Maggie to countless children at home and abroad. But I always figured this was a calling, not a vocation.

Until this weekend. I just taught a seven-month-old baby to swim! First I got him acclimated to being in the water. If he got upset, we stepped out for a while, then we went right back in. Once he was calm with me holding him in the water, I put him on his back.

First I held his head with one hand and his back with the other. Then I let go of his back, but kept his head up. Then, once I saw that he was holding his face above water on his own, I slowly... let go.. of his head! And he was floating! All on his own! He was wailing a little hit, but his mother said that was the sound he makes when he's determined and trying to do something, not the upset sound.

Soon he stopped making sounds at all, and just floated. Then he started to kick! It was lovely to see.

After a bit of that, I turned him on his belly, but didn't let go. Still, he kept his face out of the water, and kept kicking. He even paddled a little!

Videos on YouTube. E-mail me and I'll send you links. I'm seriously considering "infant swim instructor" for a second career.

Afterwards, he was wiped out from working so hard, and all that excitement. We wrapped him up warm and snug, and he crashed hard in his mummy's arms. The next day, I took him on a pony ride at the horse show. We joked that I'd teach him to ride a bike next week, followed by bourbon and cigarettes.

What color is your aura?

The magnificent Nina has posted a color quiz for us all. As my life is very introspective lately, any and all analysis tools are helpful.

Especially when they're pretty spot-on. Check this out!

maggiebex took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Strives for a life rich in activity and experience..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

My Existing Situation
Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.

My Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome.

My Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Insists that her goals are realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing her to compromise. Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner, and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

My Desired Objective
Strives for a life rich in activity and experience, and for a close bond offering sexual and emotional fulfillment.

My Actual Problem
The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

Sure, YMMV, but I enjoyed it. If you take the quiz, please let me know how well you feel it got you.

Speaking of my life and what I want to achieve with it -- please continue to send whatever positive vibes or wishes or karmic juju or whatever your magic of choice in my direction for a desirable outcome. After all, you know how I "pursue my objectives with a fierce intensity and commit myself deeply and readily"!

PS: And then I could not stop myself from taking it again. Diff results, some overlap, still pretty good:

maggiebex took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a ..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Militant Grammarians of Massachusetts get fined

While I applaud their continued efforts, I guess sometimes a little caution is in order.

Amphibious

Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World.

because we love the Onion.

Monkey patterned baby blankets!

From lovely Rikshaw Design.

Ow, now my womb hurts. Need baby to wrap in monkeys, STAT!

Chaos of CUTENESS!

B called me this morning to alert me to this Breaking Monkey News.

Of CUTENESS! (particularly the Japanese edit of the video).

In addition, Tokyo Subway Monkey? Not a bad name for a band.

Love in the Stars

Scorpio Horoscope: Daily Love horoscope:
"Your deepest fantasies are a little closer to reality today, and that could mean that you're about to make a big breakthrough! Your great energy is perfect for making big changes in your life."

Excellent.

Also, I might be going to the Hamptons this weekend!

Oh Captain *My* Captain

I knew that national sympathy case Alicia Sacramone was a local, but I didn't realize that the gymnastics team captain was my local, from my very hometown!

Chin up, Alicia. You've done great things, and although the international spotlight sucks at the moment, we all remember your victories too!

Non-compete clause

Believe this or not, as you wish, but I'm not competitive.

True, I want my credit when it's due, but I don't need to win over someone else. I usually figure that my god-given smarts, charm, grace, Amazing Rack^TM -- what have you -- should be recognized and appreciated on their own merits. If I have to self-promote, then what's the point? The game's already lost.

I also have an aversion to trying too hard that is so strong, I will sometimes overcompensate by not trying at all. For example, my writing? Please! I can't write a pitch letter to save my life, and if through some miracle I actually get an assignment despite myself, I almost never follow through and write it. Wouldn't writing something with my name splashed all over it be... overeager self-promotion? And it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Yes, I know this is ridiculous and self-defeating (and totally contradictory to my chosen profession). And yes, I am aware that I only act this way when I'm thinking about it. If you can get me out of my head -- acting or reacting on instinct -- I do just fine, thanks.

The corollary of this means that I have absolutely no game. Call upon me to flirt on demand, and I'll probably retreat to a corner with my knitting. Ask me to close the deal, and I'll leave for home on my own. Certainly, I'm a naturally gifted flirt and I've had (more than?) my share of hook-ups, but I can't choose to do it.

So it was with great interest that I watched a friend of mine work her game tonight. She shot the lights out!
Perhaps this requires further anthropological study . . .

Addendum: While looking for just the right hoops expression to extend my already tired metaphor, I was given the following suggestions from the guys in my office:

• move well without the ball
  
• getting some good, open looks
  
• bury the three-point shot.
  
• really dish the rock
  
• instant offense
  
• taking it to the hole
  
• great at no-look passes
  
• great with dribble penetration
  
• had the hot hand
  
• good in the clutch
  
• really score in transition ...
  
• pounding the ball inside
  (at which point we really began to notice how many hoops cliches are so double-entendre-y)
  
• dominated in the paint
  
• playing above the rim
  
• raining threes
  
• hit the money shot
  
• pulled it out in overtime
  
• a come-from-behind win
  
• nailed the buzzer beater
  
• "pulled out a come-from-behind win" = triple entendre
  
• "nailed a buzzer beater to seal a come-from-behind win" = quardruple entendre

Got more for me? Comment away, baybee!

Yoga Butt

I haz it.

But baby? I haz it not. More updates to come.

Boston's Talented Mr. Ripley

Wait, now he's wanted for murder?

Elvis Costello was on the lam?

I don't like how he looks with red hair, either.

The glamourous world of Cinema

From the fine folks at BANG!, our beloved British gossip feed

Sienna Miller had her private parts digitally enhanced for her new movie.
The 26-year-old actress had to have pubic hair added by computer wizard for some scenes in her new film ‘Hippie Hippie Shake’. In the movie, Sienna plays Louise, the girlfriend of publisher Richard Neville, who was heavily involved in London’s party scene during the 60s.
A studio source told Britain’s Daily Mirror newspaper: “The film is set in the swinging 60s when fashion was wild and body hair even wilder. Unfortunately, Brazilian waxes weren’t common in the 60s and Sienna’s part involved one or two nude scenes – meaning that her grooming habits were on display. A merkin [pubic wig] simply wouldn’t have done the trick, but luckily computer wizardry came to the rescue. Sienna’s private parts were enhanced, giving her a rather unruly bush. All the cast had a good giggle about it and stoical Sienna happily played along.”

Imagine having that job in digital FX. And they told you Hollywood would be glamorous and exciting!

Also known as Frozen Lobster Bisque

Whenever I visit my Sacramento friends, Ben and I make ice cream. On the 2001 or 2002 visit, I started playing with the idea of lobster ice cream, which Ben politely vetoed. Understandably so -- it's fair if he didn't want his ice cream maker to have a lingering scent of the sea. Also, who wants lobster in Sacramento?

On a later trip to visit friends on the Cape (who also have an ice cream maker), my suggestion was once again shot down. At least this time I had the geography right!

The proposal to Häagen-Dazs didn't make it, but Steph made an excellent point about the "psychology of flavour." So I recently got my *own* ice cream maker, have some lobster stock waiting in the freezer, and am planning to make "frozen lobster bisque" for my next dinner party.

Or, apparently, I could just order in from Maine...

Daily horocscope confusion

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

You might not realize it, but you make a very good role model! The younger people in your life could learn a lot from your ideas and attitudes, so why not be more open with them today? Despite what you might think about the younger generation, they are genuinely interested in what you have to say -- they just might be a little too shy to ask you. Open up the lines of communication and start a conversation that you know they want to have. You will find the experience quite fulfilling.

See, this is why I almost never read horoscopes anymore (though I still have the blog tag, apparently).

1. I am a horrible role model. Seriously, I have no ambition, terrible time management skills, worse knifing skills, and an aversion to commitment.
   
2. All the kids I know have perfectly fine ideas and attitudes, thankyouverymuch. If anything I could learn from them.
   
3. Open communication? .... okay.... well, actually, there is this conversation I've been avoiding (like I do). Maybe I just needed this kick in the pants.

Or maybe I should just visit my nieces and teach them to crochet....

Dodge trucks ARE Ram-tough!

snopes.com: Truck Destroys Drive-Through Bank Canopy.



I guess the marketing is true!

Welcome to the Monkey House!

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

Thanks much, Killer Mango!

I guess she really was fucking Matt Damon?

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have broken up, their publicists confirmed July 14.

Tom Champion has a voice that carries - The Boston Globe

Tom Champion rocks.

There's a little bit of drama going on in our fair city right now, as Tom seems to have gotten into a kerfuffle on LJ about street parking. So now seems as good a time as any to tip the hat to Tom's mellifluous voice.

Cupcake Crime

Last night around 2 am, we were distracted from our epic Somerville Showdown thumb war by the sound of breaking glass. When the noise stopped after a couple of crashes, we figured someone had thrown a beer bottle or two, and so returned to the business at hand (or thumb).

Tinkling and shattering sounds resumed less than a minute later, and we worried that someone might be trying to break into Ann's car, parked on the street below. Ann dashed downstairs just in time to see someone running away from Kickass Cupcakes, carrying their cash register. She described a white man of average build, wearing a white cap, light-colored clothing and long shorts. Somerville's Finest were on the scene within seconds. One pursued the robber down Highland Avenue in the direction Ann indicated, the other contacted Kickass's owners.

Who could be so cruel to cupcakes? Stores rarely keep any significant money in a register overnight, so the haul was hardly worth the effort of lugging the cash register away.

By 2:30 the repair crew was already at work, clearing away the broken glass and patching the hole with plywood. Pumped up from all the drama, we escalated our tourney to full-on arm-wrestling.