Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Why you're still single

I have lots of guy friends who can't understand why they're still single. Why are they surrounded by all these great women, but they can't get dates? It's very hard to tell a friend you care about that they're just not boyfriend -- let alone husband -- material, but perhaps this little anecdote can help shed some light on the problem.

For reasons not crucial to this story, I am friends with a bunch of brothers of a fraternity other than my own. One of these guys, let's call him Jackie Chan, often talks about his desire to quit his job and retire early. To be fair, he's got a great job, owns his house, and in general leads a responsible life. But he's not an investing whiz, he didn't write the great American novel/screenplay, he hasn't invented the next Google. His best plan so far involves marrying a rich woman, and of course she should be gorgeous too. I don't think he's considered what he would have to offer her in return.

Well, it certainly won't be his charm or thoughtfulness. The boys are having a party in Jersey, and Jackie Chan isn't going because he doesn't have a date. I've played stunt date before at this thing, and I've been known to use a stunt date myself for other similar occasions, so last-minute, I offered my services. Anyway, it's been a few months since I've been down to New York, and I'm going to be traveling for the next few months, so a trip to see a bunch of the guys and their women would be nice.

Not gonna happen. I just got this e-mail from him:
I might have kung fu in the afternoon on Saturday....
Would you mind meeting up at the Ball?
I did mention it's somewhere in Jersey, right? Oh, also it turns out that not too many of the guys are going after all.

So I replied:
Yeah, that would actually suck unspeakably a lot. Considering that I will have just gotten in from Boston, won't have a car, won't know how to get there, and will know like 3 people there.

I think I'll skip it this year and stay safely up north. But maybe some other time, if a bunch of folks I know are going and you're once again in desperate need of a date -- desperate enough to settle for a non-supermodel who's worth a few million less than what you aspire to in your "marry rich and retire early" plan... ;)

Have fun at Kung Fu!
Guys, in case you haven't heard, there was this revolution a few decades ago. We don't need you anymore; we only associate with you because we like to. Now, to be fair, Jackie Chan and I are never going to date; we're just not those kinds of friends. But bad habits don't stay contained; they have a tendency to spill over into other situations. So if you ever expect to convince one of us to put up with your stinky feet and X-Box addiction, you'd best start practicing the little niceties on the guinea pigs you already have available.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Friday, April 20, 2007

Express Yourself

I used to have one of those spandex dresses, until someone in my dorm named VA "borrowed" it and never gave it back. Which still makes me sad, because it was totally the kind of dress I would never wear again but would love to keep in my closet to pull out and show off to my daughters what crazy hot shit I used to be in college. Seriously, I wore that dress in Spain playing pool in bars, and I could have made some serious money if we were gambling -- No one could pay attention to their game.

I do have a picture somewhere, at least. I'll try to find it and post it here, so you can see my former glory.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Hair tips for girls

I'm at a party where I know no one. A college party, no less, in a neighborhood where I used to teach junior high (probably while these kids were still in elementary school, if I'm lucky). A punk rock basement band college party, and I'm wearing a velvet skirt and no leather or visible piercings. I'm just there to keep a friend company, and we're only supposed to stay for a minute.

Not really equipped for the mosh pit, I go out on the deck for some air. Damn I want a cigarette, but no way am I going to bum from these kids. I lean against the doorframe and observe.

"Excuse me, I know this is really strange to ask, but... How do you get your hair to do that? It's so gorgeous!"

Okay, I do have fabulous hair, but you wouldn't think the punk rockers would appreciate it... So I tell the pretty blond in the orange hoodie my secret for five-minute hair fabulousness:

1. Flip head over and dry as quickly as possible
2. Comb out snarls.
3. Put in a dozen velcro rollers, the kind with metal on the inside so they heat up (cheap at CVS)
4. Blast for a minute or two with the hair dryer on high heat.
5. Get in car, drive to party, remove before exiting car.

She laughs. "wow, if I'd known it was so easy... I never do anything with my hair; I still have semen in it from last nigh-- oh, did I just say too much?"

"Hey, whatever works!"

Now we've bonded. She introduces me to all her friends, and within minutes I've rubbed a few shaved heads and learned how to open a beer with a lighter. A cute guy named Bubba has his arm around my waist while I smoke a cig he bummed for me. The kids in the yard below us are wailing a hard-core a cappella version of some Journey song, and all is right with the world.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

More good news for this weekend

Daily Love for April 14, 2007
Provided by

Daily Flirt:
Fate or free will? A sign could drive itself nuts contemplating the question too closely. It might be a crazy cocktail of both. The stars can push you in a certain direction, but only you can decide how you get there.

Daily Couples:
Draw on your deepest instincts when deciding how to surprise your partner today. The odds are good that you will come up with something nearly perfect!

Daily Singles:
Why go with the flow when you can channel some fabulous romantic energy right where you want it? You can use your bountiful charms to make sweet stuff happen now -- and you'll never know unless you try.

Friday, April 13, 2007

A tale of two streets - The Boston Globe

My office is in this area, and I agree -- Congress Street wins! The street is way more comfortable and human-scaled (at least it will be when all the construction is done), the cars don't speed down the street at highway velocity, the kids from the Children's Museum are adorable, the bars and cafes are cuter. And, though they threw someone off the roof of one of our buildings in The Departed, they're not doing that anymore, so it's much safer, too!

Today's forecast

Daily Love for April 13, 2007
Provided by

Daily Flirt:
Emotions can be overwhelming, but remind yourself to breathe through it and that change can -- and will -- happen. Allowing yourself to feel something in its entirety guarantees that you won't end up stuck there.
[Breathe, what? That's actually been troublesome, love-wise, of late, so good advice.]

Daily Couples:
Your romantic instincts are strong. Now's the time to find a new way to show or tell sweetie how you really feel. They will be blown away by your passionate energy.
[I think I've been pretty good lately about being honest with how I feel, and I don't know how much more I would want to blow anyone away. Blown away sounds too much like "away" for my comfort, but I'll keep trying...]

Daily Singles:
You're bewitching, beguiling and not in the least bewildered, if the stars have their say. The right thing to say, the right move to make, the right place to be -- it's all occurring to you as if by magic.
[Magic! I'm telling you, it's all going to work out. I swear.]

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sunday Times with the Lumberjack

Lumberjacks are everywhere, it's not just me.

I know, you want me to embed the video, not just link to it. But YouTube is giving me a hard time (maybe because I once worked for Viacom?).