Rubbing Bacon Salt Into a Wound

Okay, not bad, actually, but the best tile I could come up with. So my boyfriend has a write-up in Seattlist: Seattlest: Bacon Salt: Food of the Gods, or Actually a God?

I'm not so thrilled with the offer of a public blowjob, or the sacreligious title (that he didn't write anyway), but aside from that, I'm pretty proud of him!

Whiskey Dick

Auntie Amanda saw this and thought of me. Isn't she the sweetest?

(yes, yes she is, in case you were stumped...)

The semicolon

Grammar is sexy.

I'll stick with Siena, thanks

She might try to steal my ham or bite my feet, but at least her nuzzles and purrs are sincere.

And A has been totally smitten with her since he moved in. I think I'm going to have to give him visitation rights, and I don't think an animatronic is going to cut it.

Update: I wonder if Siena will be my fluffy kitty reaper like Oscar. So purry, so compassionate. But who will sit with Oscar in *his* final hour?

Hipsterotica

Oh, my god, I have to go home and beat off now.

Or is "rub one out" a more hipster-appropriate term? Suggestions welcome.

Yet another Somerville - Wesleyan connection

For years Wesleyan University, and specifically Alpha Delt, has been taking over Somerville. Well, now Somerville is fighting back, doing some colonizing of our own. Josh Michtom of Somerville Madonna fame is heading to CT, where his wife has a new job at Wes.

Soundtrack to Jordan

And with one perfectly evoked "My So-Called Life" reference, Meredith Goldstein redeems herself in my eyes.

Cosmo Sutra: sad sex tips for Cosmo Girls!

Steel yourself for non-stop laughter, read Tools Of The Trade: Gawker's Expert Assesses Cosmo's 10 Hottest Sex Tips, then thank Auntie Amanda for sending this our way.

You MUST read the comments on that entry, all 100+ of them. Here's one gem:
"Soak a necklace of doughnuts in carbonated water, then freeze them. When your partner is about to climax, rub carbonated frozen doughnuts all over his body. Then slide the necklace of frozen doughnuts up and around his privates, securing them with a hair scrunchy. The combination of sparkly carbonation, freezing cold, ice-hard dough and lacerating glaze shards will send him over the edge!"

Amazon.com guarantees your Harry Potter fix

Guaranteed Release-Date Delivery (Saturday, July 21) of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"!

"We will deliver Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on its Saturday, July 21 release date to eligible customers who pre-ordered from Amazon.com and chose standard, Two-Day, or One-Day shipping when placing their order. (Amazon Prime customers will receive it on the day of release at no additional charge. Learn more about joining Amazon Prime.) If you qualified for guaranteed Release-Date Delivery, in the unlikely event that you don't receive it on Saturday, July 21, we'll refund the cost of the book." [Emphasis mine]

Okay, this is wild! I've never pre-ordered a book before; do they go this crazy for all books? Doubtful, but what about all the Harry Potter books? Has anyone done this before?

There's a little bit of fine-print on that delivery guarantee, though:

"Most deliveries will be made by UPS or the U.S. Postal Service, either with your regular mail delivery or in a special, later delivery. All copies that qualified for Release-Date Delivery should be delivered by 7:00 p.m. in your time zone. If you have not yet received your copy, please wait until 7:00 p.m. on July 21 before contacting Customer Service."

First off, leave us alone until the mailman has completed his or her appointed rounds.
2. If you're one of those freaks who has to start reading as soon as legally permitted, go to one of those Midnight Potter Parties and don't order from us. We're not delivering you books on Friday with some kind of charm that makes them unopenable until the stroke of midnight on the 21st, or anything.

Amazon might be cool, but they are still Muggles in that regard.

Bostonist: Free Squishee Today. Yes. Squishee

I love me a really good, effective, funny promotional tie-in

Mantra for a recovering bitchy girlfriend

The Sweet Escape lyrics
(feat. Akon)

[Gwen]
If I could escape I would but,
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
Tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet, I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, Tell me boy wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

[Akon]
I want to get away, to our sweet escape
I want to get away, yeah

[Gwen]
You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanna take you with me

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Woohoo, Yeehoo
Woohoo, Yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, Yeehoo

Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: A Letter to Optimus Prime From His GEICO Auto Insurance Agent.

"I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn't break. GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships."

Vintage morning wood

This here is a classic old story, which I recently discovered was never posted up here, even though it won me a "Best Celebrity Chef Encounter" contest. Since as many people as possible should be informed of this incident, I post it here as a warning, a public service, and of course, for your amusement.

Breakfast

While at the bar in the front room of the Tribeca Tavern, I saw Mario Batali standing talking with a small group. As I rejoined my friends in the back room, I mentioned this spotting to my foodie compatriot.

"Did you talk to him?" he asked.
"No, I've heard he's kind of a jerk. Also, rumor has it that he doesn't bathe often enough, and he smells," I replied.
My friend pulled out his wallet. "I'll give you a dollar if you go sniff him."
Since Batali was standing near the top of the stairs to the bathrooms, and in direct sight of my friend's table, this would be an easy task to pull off and have witnessed, so I took the dare.

As I tried to squeeze past Mario, I put my hands on his shoulders, leaned in for a sniff, and said "excuse me." Mission accomplished. But...

He took my hand and called me beautiful, and asked my name.

"Hi, I'm Ma.. actually, since you can probably pronounce it right, I'll tell you my real name: Maddalena."
"Mario," he said, still holding my hand. "So, you speak Italian?" he said, in Italian.
In better Italian than his, I explained that my parents were born there and we go back almost every year. He cut me off, in English.
"You were headed to the bathroom. Go do what you have to do and then come back and talk to me." He finally let go of my hand.

When I came back upstairs, he was talking to another young brunette. She slipped off (relieved?) as he turned his attention back to me.
Now, Batali the man may be a smelly philanderer, but Batali the chef has some fine restaurants that I love. At the time, Otto was still serving breakfast, and I used to go every Friday. A really great guy named Dennis worked that shift, so I decided to take the opportunity to praise Dennis to his boss.

"Oh, yes, Dennis is a very important member of my team. But let's talk about us." He leaned in a bit more.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, now that I know you like my breakfast, we just have to decide when you and I are going to . . . make love."

I suppressed a laugh at this incredibly cheesy and out of the blue pick up line, and considered reminding him that he was wearing a wedding band, and had named pizzas after his kids. Instead, I decided to laugh it off.

"After breakfast sometime, apparently." I shrugged.

"That's good, since morning wood is the hardest, after all. Especially mine, as you'll see."

!!!
I couldn't take any more. "I'm sorry, I really should be getting back to my friends," I said, tears of laughter forming. I pulled away and rushed to the back room.

"So, did he smell?" my friend asked, a dollar in his hand.

"How much will you pay me for getting him to offer to show me his 'morning wood'?" I asked.

Speechless, he just pulled out his wallet and started counting off bills.

John Legend is not exactly safe for work

Dude, if you're on stage, and not at a sex show, can't you control that action?

Mmm, bacon

And I quote G3po: "Bacon can't hurt people; it's what angels eat."