Perky

When I started at this job, I figured there would be perks. Merch sent to the office, free tickets to concerts and shows, stuff like that. But I didn't know how it would work, having never been the beneficiary of perks before.

A few weeks after I started, there was a sold-out show I wanted to see. I asked the Captain how I could get tix. He scoffed and said I had to earn my stripes before I got free stuff (he was always a little big for his britches). Then, once the editorial staff moved to the other office, the flow of goodies into our space dried up to nothing.

Well well well, now I coordinate the events calendar, so I keep getting invited to events. And last night, I finally went to one. What fun a press night is! I highly recommend you attend if you get a chance. (Even if you don't go for press night, you should still see The 39 Steps; it was great! It's headed to Broadway once the Boston run is over; consider yourself forewarned.)

The real goodies, however, are over at the paper. There's this shelf over in the newsroom where all the unwanted swag gets dumped, free for the picking. When the CDs show up, I never know what to take, because I can't tell a good CD from bad just by looking at it. And you know that the original recipient of the CDs is keeping all the good ones anyway. But last week, someone dumped a bookcase worth of books on the shelf. Books, I know from books. And the editor can read a good book, be done with it, and then share it for others. I walked away with armfuls of reading materials.

Then I worried -- is there a protocol to these giveaways that I'm not aware of? Should I have limited myself to one or two books, instead of one or two dozen? When I finished reading the first book, I brought it back to the shelf, and it was quickly snapped up. Hmmm...

Today I spied Demeter, six different bottles from their "fragrance library":
Orange Cream Pop
Baby Powder
Suntan Lotion
Pumpkin Pie
Play-Doh
Bonfire

I browsed, I sniffed, I sprayed. I was intrigued by Play-Doh, but thought it more likely that I would actually wear Suntan Lotion. And after the soul-searching dilemma of the books, I certainly didn't want to be greedy and take two.

As I sniffed Bonfire (phew!), I wondered if Haneway, or maybe Auntie Amanda, would like the Play-Doh. And then my superpower (A Line Forms Behind Me^tm) caused me trouble, as it always does... Someone came up, started sniffing, and took Play-Doh!

Doh!

She asked if it was okay, because I had been there first. But I was still trying to decide, and it seemed ridiculous to take what she wanted when I'd already had the chance.

Bonus, though, is that she took two, so then I felt it was okay to take two myself. Suntan Lotion and Baby Powder, baybee! Now I can smell clean even when I'm not!

Haneway and Manda, I'm really sorry if either of you did want the Play-Doh. I'll keep an eye out for other goodies for you in the future. Any interest in some books?

PS: Let me assure you that I would never wear this fragrance, nor this, though I am totally intrigued by them. Unfortunately, they weren't included in the press pack. Neither was the surrealist option.

Hot Cup O' Monkey -- Breaking news!

Remember that awesome Hot Cup O'Monkey t-shirt on Get Fuzzy? Eagle-eyed fabulous woman Eeyorecol found an >Unofficial Monkeywhere Shop on CafePress!

Get your MonkeyWhere THERE!

Not all men are evil, you know

So here I am, looking for a guy who's good with kids, and bemoaning the fact that so few men I know are parentally minded or skilled. I never even thought about this disturbing but totally believable trend. Poor guys!

Monkey love!

The abandoned monkey who has found love with a pigeon.

Poor monkey.

OMG, Verizon, WTF?!?!

If you're wondering how I scored that sweet simian phone number -- Verizon totally owed me, and they were trying to make good.

With the boyfriend almost 3,000 miles away, clocking double-digit hours on the phone each week, the cell wasn't cutting it anymore. So in early August, after five years of wireless-only, I decided to get a land line again. I went to the Verizon website, they have an order wizard, I crossed all the Ts and dotted the Is, and I was told that I would have service set up by August 13. As part of the process, they even gave me a selection of five (totally ordinary, non-primate-themed) numbers to choose from.

The 13th came and went -- no dial tone. As my phone was about a dozen years old, I figured that was the problem, and borrowed one that my folks weren't using. No dial tone. I ordered a new one from Amazon... no dial tone! So on the 17th, I call for service, and I'm told that my line was turned on, as scheduled, on the 13th, and they'd closed the order. But they can't get through to me; when the woman in the service department calls, she gets a recording that my number is not in service. So she files a repair ticket, and assures me that the line will be working by Monday the 20th.

No dial tone. And when I call again for service, I can't access my account! After about an hour on the phone and many transfers to multiple departments, I discover that they'd changed the phone number on my account, which is why I couldn't access it anymore. They wouldn't even tell me the new number until I got escalated to a manager.

It took three weeks, a service visit to the house, a bucket truck, and several more phone calls to Verizon before I actually got a working dial tone. However, they had no problem sending me a bill, a full two weeks before my phone was actually working. After all that grief, they gave me a free month of service, and the phone number of my choice, to make up for the fiasco. Good work, I say, apology accepted.

And then...

The broken dial tone reminded me that I had no idea how to access my voice mail. It had been weeks since they'd set up my account, they sent me a bill right on schedule, but I have yet to receive some sort of welcome pack with critical info such as what number to dial to pick up my messages.

So I call AGAIN, they apologize AGAIN, and give me the set-up info. This morning, I dial in, I have one message. This message:

Good afternoon, this is Verizon with good news about your recent home voice mail order. You can begin using your home voice mail as soon as you set up your voice mailbox. You'll need your access number, which is [silence, NOT redacted, they just didn't say it]. At your earliest convenience, please call Verizon for important information about how to set up your home voicemail. The toll-free number to call, anytime day or night, is XXX-XXX-XXXX, and at the main menu, press 6.

It is Verizon's goal to provide you with outstanding service. If we can improve our service to you in any way, please call Verizon toll-free during normal business hours [note they don't say when their business ours are] at XXX-XXX-XXXX, where a representative will be happy to help you.

OMG, Verizon, WTF?!?!

Okay, I get that the recording was meant for a person who actually answered the phone, which I had not.

But they're VERIZON, the phone company. You would thing that they could have set up their automated message system to not leave a message on voice mail when calling about setting up voice mail, and instead trigger a command to either:
a. call back later,
or
b. call my alternate (cell phone) number, which they have asked me for multiple times and should have on record with my account.

Regardless, they have given me the best phone number ever, so I guess I'll forgive them this one more time. Sigh.

We Love Bostonist!

This week, Bostonist launched a new feature about local bloggers. And guess who was the very second item of the very first edition of Bostonist: Series of Tubes? You betcha, my monkeys! (good thing I didn't actually post that new simian-themed phone number. . .

monkey museum - we make monkeys out of people

If you know me, or even if you've just been reading this blog fairly regularly, you know I have a thing about monkeys. Mind you, not the actual animals so much -- I don't go to the monkey house at the zoo (I don't really go to the zoo much, ever since I saw two rhinos going at it).

No, I like the idea of monkeys. Even the word is fun. Monkey, say it. Monkey. And apparently I am a comedic genius in good company: "Samberg cameos in the video dressed as a Viking. Why? Because he thinks Vikings are funny. Also monkeys. He’s a big fan of monkeys."

So let's be clear: iconic monkeys are cute, real monkeys throw poop. Actually, it's all funny.

I have become such a monkey maven that now everyone sends me their monkey mischief. It's good to have a catch-phrase, a brand, a theme. I love it -- so much better than getting cat-themed gifts, as if I'm a crazy cat-lady just because I adopted Siena. (No, clearly I am a crazy monkey-lady!)

Lately there's been a monkey zeitgeist, possibly kicked into high gear when I acquired a simian-themed phone number this week. Muffy let me know that Get Fuzzy has been exploring monkey branding for two weeks now.

Obviously, Monkeys Make People Smile^TM. And the folks at the Monkey Museum know it!
monkey museum - we make monkeys out of people

Thanks, Auntie Amanda, for making my day a little more monkey-licious. If I didn't still have all those Boston-themed cards that I never sent out last Christmas, I might have a set printed up for this year. Instead, I might just have to commission some art!

Apparently I'm a New Pornographer

In the Village Voice today, they compated Pornographers albums:
"Challengers is an infinitely quieter, meeker, more nuanced and resigned piece of work, cut from the same sing-along cloth, but fashioned into a quilt as opposed to a neon hoodie—a peacefully descending Park Slope offering escape from Mass Romantic's raucous Lower East Side."

That's what I did! I went from the Lower East Side to the Slope as I aged and matured. Apparently not like wine, but rather like a pornographer. Or a hoodie.

My last days of disco

Y recently asked me if I'd ever gone to Twilo during my crazy New York club days, before I became an old boring suburban lady. It got me thinking back on those days a bit, which perhaps I never talked about much here.

There was one night that the Cokehead Alcoholic took me to either Twilo or Tunnel, which were near each other on West 27th Street in Chelsea, so I honestly can't remember which one it was. It was fun, but it was also kind of strange for me, because I was more used to the fetish/goth scene of the meatpacking district, which was a much different kind of club scene. The clubs I most often went to, Mother and True were smaller, with a tight community of regular attendees. They definitely did not have a metal detector or pat-down at the door, like Twilo/Tunnel did.

Anyway, the night we went to the T club in Chelsea (whichever one it was) we were dressed in Edwardian fetish/goth attire, having stopped at Hellfire first (an underground sex club in the meatpacking district that was closed down when they built the hotels and gentrified the place). All our velvet and corsetry didn't exactly fit in with the ecstasy-fueled club-kid vibe of the place, so we did get searched upon entry, which was strange. Lots of raver kids, lots of drugs, we didn't stay very long. But I did think that, had I gone with someone else, and were I dressed appropriately and in a different mindset, it would have probably been fun. Sadly, I never made it back to check it out again before it closed.

I'd clubbed in Boston, LA, DC, Spain and Italy before I moved to New York, so I had a pretty good sample for comparison, and I think I caught the New York scene at a perfect moment. Before I got there things were nuts, with Michael Alig killing his drug dealer and club kids appearing on Oprah. By the time I got there, things had mellowed a bit so that it was a nice creative community without too much evil craziness.

To be fair, I didn't just sit on a balcony and watch, I threw myself into it pretty deep, so maybe I had a better experience because of that. I was friends with organizers, I danced in a cage (god I wish I'd saved that picture; they used it for promotion), I worked the door and decided who could and could not come in. I was going out four nights a week, doormen recognized me and I rarely paid to get in. I was fully invested, until I retired from the scene. (And it took a few tries, like Michael Jordan, before I really did retire.)

A few years later, clubs started to fall prey to the triple-whammy of Giuliani's quality-of-life/cabaret law crackdown; the inflated rents of the real estate boom; and the sobering climate of post-9/11 New York. Most of the clubs and parties I went to closed down around 2000-2001, and were replaced by gentrification and high-priced bottle service.

Which is now itself dying, so maybe we're on the edge of another golden age of clubbing. These things do tend to come in cycles. Of course, I'm also pretty old now, so maybe my opinion is for shit.

The Oracle of Starbucks

Dammit, I don't even drink Starbucks! So instead, I plugged my regular Dunkin' order into the The Oracle of Starbucks, and yet it had me pegged:

Drink: medium cinnamon iced latter, skim, no sugar
Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.

Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

Like I said, it was spot-on (except for the part about ice cubes and crystal for my water, but whatever...)

So then, I figured "no sugar" was maybe a bit too fussy, since that could be assumed, so I took that out and bowed once again to the oracle:

Drink: Medium cinnamon iced latte, skim
Personality type: Fat

You're always worrying about your weight. That's because you're fat. You're constantly whining about problems that are your own fault. You are a total pain in the ass.

Also drinks: Diet RC Cola
Can also be found: On Jerry Springer

See, again, I have to admit that's kinda true (aside from the Jerry Springer appearances).

Roving Puppet Comedy in Cambridge!!!!!!

Ordinarily, if you don't have plans to come to PubNight, then I would tell you that you are an idiot of the first order, because PubNight is excellent.

HOWEVER....

Tonight, I'm really wishing PubNight had not chosen this week to boldly cross the river into Brookline, and instead we'd stuck to our cozy Cambridge home base. Because tonight, Inman Square is Where the Wild Things Are, and by wild things I mean Muppets, Bowie, free Popcorn, a very young Jennifer Connelly, and ROVING PUPPET COMEDY.

Sorry, I need to stop yelling and calm down.

Ahem.

Wait, wait, hold the phone (oh, yeah, if you've been trying to reach me, the cell is dead, the cell charger is in Vancouver, and the new land line isn't playing nice quite yet. Try not to miss me too much, or call my roommate or my office if it's dire).

ANYway, that Roving Puppet Comedy? They will be performing...
(deep calming breath)
Law and PUPPET!

Kalimera, I know you don't want to miss that one, get yourself over there! (you weren't going to cross the raging scary river for PN anyway, right?)

Ah, bellissime

Me and Sofia, we Italian women are so hot.

Fine fine, you were right

I'm not pregnant.

Shut up.

In other news -- Lollapalooza this weekend! Party on! Unfettered! Free! Crazy!

Rubbing Bacon Salt Into a Wound

Okay, not bad, actually, but the best tile I could come up with. So my boyfriend has a write-up in Seattlist: Seattlest: Bacon Salt: Food of the Gods, or Actually a God?

I'm not so thrilled with the offer of a public blowjob, or the sacreligious title (that he didn't write anyway), but aside from that, I'm pretty proud of him!

Whiskey Dick

Auntie Amanda saw this and thought of me. Isn't she the sweetest?

(yes, yes she is, in case you were stumped...)

The semicolon

Grammar is sexy.

I'll stick with Siena, thanks

She might try to steal my ham or bite my feet, but at least her nuzzles and purrs are sincere.

And A has been totally smitten with her since he moved in. I think I'm going to have to give him visitation rights, and I don't think an animatronic is going to cut it.

Update: I wonder if Siena will be my fluffy kitty reaper like Oscar. So purry, so compassionate. But who will sit with Oscar in *his* final hour?

Hipsterotica

Oh, my god, I have to go home and beat off now.

Or is "rub one out" a more hipster-appropriate term? Suggestions welcome.

Yet another Somerville - Wesleyan connection

For years Wesleyan University, and specifically Alpha Delt, has been taking over Somerville. Well, now Somerville is fighting back, doing some colonizing of our own. Josh Michtom of Somerville Madonna fame is heading to CT, where his wife has a new job at Wes.

Soundtrack to Jordan

And with one perfectly evoked "My So-Called Life" reference, Meredith Goldstein redeems herself in my eyes.

Cosmo Sutra: sad sex tips for Cosmo Girls!

Steel yourself for non-stop laughter, read Tools Of The Trade: Gawker's Expert Assesses Cosmo's 10 Hottest Sex Tips, then thank Auntie Amanda for sending this our way.

You MUST read the comments on that entry, all 100+ of them. Here's one gem:
"Soak a necklace of doughnuts in carbonated water, then freeze them. When your partner is about to climax, rub carbonated frozen doughnuts all over his body. Then slide the necklace of frozen doughnuts up and around his privates, securing them with a hair scrunchy. The combination of sparkly carbonation, freezing cold, ice-hard dough and lacerating glaze shards will send him over the edge!"

Amazon.com guarantees your Harry Potter fix

Guaranteed Release-Date Delivery (Saturday, July 21) of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"!

"We will deliver Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on its Saturday, July 21 release date to eligible customers who pre-ordered from Amazon.com and chose standard, Two-Day, or One-Day shipping when placing their order. (Amazon Prime customers will receive it on the day of release at no additional charge. Learn more about joining Amazon Prime.) If you qualified for guaranteed Release-Date Delivery, in the unlikely event that you don't receive it on Saturday, July 21, we'll refund the cost of the book." [Emphasis mine]

Okay, this is wild! I've never pre-ordered a book before; do they go this crazy for all books? Doubtful, but what about all the Harry Potter books? Has anyone done this before?

There's a little bit of fine-print on that delivery guarantee, though:

"Most deliveries will be made by UPS or the U.S. Postal Service, either with your regular mail delivery or in a special, later delivery. All copies that qualified for Release-Date Delivery should be delivered by 7:00 p.m. in your time zone. If you have not yet received your copy, please wait until 7:00 p.m. on July 21 before contacting Customer Service."

First off, leave us alone until the mailman has completed his or her appointed rounds.
2. If you're one of those freaks who has to start reading as soon as legally permitted, go to one of those Midnight Potter Parties and don't order from us. We're not delivering you books on Friday with some kind of charm that makes them unopenable until the stroke of midnight on the 21st, or anything.

Amazon might be cool, but they are still Muggles in that regard.

Bostonist: Free Squishee Today. Yes. Squishee

I love me a really good, effective, funny promotional tie-in

Mantra for a recovering bitchy girlfriend

The Sweet Escape lyrics
(feat. Akon)

[Gwen]
If I could escape I would but,
First of all, let me say
I must apologize for acting stank & treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
Tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet, I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, Tell me boy wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

[Akon]
I want to get away, to our sweet escape
I want to get away, yeah

[Gwen]
You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out, I need to get me out of this joint
Come on let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground
So baby, times get a little crazy
I've been gettin' a little lazy, waitin' on you to come save me
I can see that you're angry by the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me, wanna take you with me

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

Woohoo, Yeehoo
Woohoo, Yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, yeehoo (If I could escape)
Woohoo, Yeehoo

Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold?

[CHORUS]
If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet (sorry boy)
I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better
& tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: A Letter to Optimus Prime From His GEICO Auto Insurance Agent.

"I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn't break. GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships."

Vintage morning wood

This here is a classic old story, which I recently discovered was never posted up here, even though it won me a "Best Celebrity Chef Encounter" contest. Since as many people as possible should be informed of this incident, I post it here as a warning, a public service, and of course, for your amusement.

Breakfast

While at the bar in the front room of the Tribeca Tavern, I saw Mario Batali standing talking with a small group. As I rejoined my friends in the back room, I mentioned this spotting to my foodie compatriot.

"Did you talk to him?" he asked.
"No, I've heard he's kind of a jerk. Also, rumor has it that he doesn't bathe often enough, and he smells," I replied.
My friend pulled out his wallet. "I'll give you a dollar if you go sniff him."
Since Batali was standing near the top of the stairs to the bathrooms, and in direct sight of my friend's table, this would be an easy task to pull off and have witnessed, so I took the dare.

As I tried to squeeze past Mario, I put my hands on his shoulders, leaned in for a sniff, and said "excuse me." Mission accomplished. But...

He took my hand and called me beautiful, and asked my name.

"Hi, I'm Ma.. actually, since you can probably pronounce it right, I'll tell you my real name: Maddalena."
"Mario," he said, still holding my hand. "So, you speak Italian?" he said, in Italian.
In better Italian than his, I explained that my parents were born there and we go back almost every year. He cut me off, in English.
"You were headed to the bathroom. Go do what you have to do and then come back and talk to me." He finally let go of my hand.

When I came back upstairs, he was talking to another young brunette. She slipped off (relieved?) as he turned his attention back to me.
Now, Batali the man may be a smelly philanderer, but Batali the chef has some fine restaurants that I love. At the time, Otto was still serving breakfast, and I used to go every Friday. A really great guy named Dennis worked that shift, so I decided to take the opportunity to praise Dennis to his boss.

"Oh, yes, Dennis is a very important member of my team. But let's talk about us." He leaned in a bit more.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, now that I know you like my breakfast, we just have to decide when you and I are going to . . . make love."

I suppressed a laugh at this incredibly cheesy and out of the blue pick up line, and considered reminding him that he was wearing a wedding band, and had named pizzas after his kids. Instead, I decided to laugh it off.

"After breakfast sometime, apparently." I shrugged.

"That's good, since morning wood is the hardest, after all. Especially mine, as you'll see."

!!!
I couldn't take any more. "I'm sorry, I really should be getting back to my friends," I said, tears of laughter forming. I pulled away and rushed to the back room.

"So, did he smell?" my friend asked, a dollar in his hand.

"How much will you pay me for getting him to offer to show me his 'morning wood'?" I asked.

Speechless, he just pulled out his wallet and started counting off bills.

John Legend is not exactly safe for work

Dude, if you're on stage, and not at a sex show, can't you control that action?

Mmm, bacon

And I quote G3po: "Bacon can't hurt people; it's what angels eat."

Delectable Lucca | The New York Times

My parents are about to come back from Delectable Lucca. I'm not ready to go back yet, after my cousin died last year, but I'm really missing it.

While I was there last year for the funeral, I went to La Mora, and it was transcendent. I took copious notes, hoping to pitch a story. But on the day I came back, this story had just run in the Times, so, not so much for the story pitching.

By the way, it's all lies. Lucca is a terrible terrible town, do not go there to visit under any circumstances. Stick to the tried and true Siena and Florence, you know you'll be happier somewhere else....
;)

In other news, anyone have any good ideas on how I can get me a gig that will let me split my time 50/50 between Lucca and Somerville?

"Of Keys and Monkeys"? Excellent!

Best Bets Daily - Monkey Key Caps

Random Thoughts

Sigh. Whenever I get out of the bogging groove, you all lose so many pearls of my wisdom that scatter to be forever lost in the neighbor's back yard, or wherever the grass happens to be. So some thoughts without artistry or wisdom:

1. Reading Dana Vachon's novel; it is lovely and I can't put it down.

2. Had another dream in the half-sleep moments in which I was in labor with the Lumberjack by my side. I've gotten him altogether out of my waking thoughts, but I'm still having babies with him in the REM stages. Not quite sure what to do about that.

3. Um, see what I mean? TOtally unfocused. Forgot it already...

Well, aren't I greedy and demanding today?

Something else I want, want, want.

Want, want, want

Oh, how I wish I had picked these up when I was down in NYC this past weekend. If anyone was looking for a gift idea for me, you could grab me a handful of these.

(I also wish I had someone to share them with, so to speak. Been thinking about the Captain again lately, not sure why though...)

Update! They give them out at my old stomping ground, Buttermilk. Dave, next time you're down there, will you please grab me a, um, fistful?

Why living in Seattle wouldn't be that bad either...

Trooper stops naked couple in SUV

Please note that Washington State does not feel that embracing while driving is, in and of itself, gross -- because they're not 4th graders up in that state house. However, drunken driving is TOTALLY gross.

Also? I'm going to Seattle in two weeks, so I'lll report back on any drunken nudity I find there.

(have you all missed me? My absence is totally legitimate, I assure you. But rather than explain myself, for now I'm just going to keep reading the paper for your benefit.)

Reason #743 why I'm proud to be from Massachusetts

Right of gays to marry set for years to come.

Leading the nation, baby.

(This is also reason #37 why I wish I were a lesbian...)

Nesting | The Public Radio Talent Quest

The Public Radio Talent Quest!

I'm up, I'm on, I've bared one minute and 30 seconds of my soul. Have you voted yet? Left a comment? Then pass the link around and spread the word, and be sure to poke around the site. There's some pretty good clips on there to listen to! Remember, when I'm all Public Radio famous, I won't forget who helped me get there, and I'll share your stories with the world (with your permission, of course!)

Stop shedding at the source

Handy trick, if only Siena didn't run at the very sight of the vacuum cleaner. IllogicalVulcan thinks the cat's too fat to run away, but from the looks of it, I think she's enjoying it...

Music fan gets Popped; and Winchester's not that bad...

As Boston.com put it, "Shoving match disrupts opening night of Boston Pops." Apparently someone doesn't take too kindly to being asked to keep it down. Reminds me of that time I went to a movie, and the woman in the seat in front of me sat on the back of her chair, instead of the seat, just to push it down onto my knees! Why? Because the guy sitting next to me had asked her to keep it down...

Anyway, it was the Pop-Ed feature today, and the comments on the message board are hysterical (if you ignore the assholes like bakala_2000). This might be my fave, if unfair, post:

Cynthia and moi witnessed the whole shameful event. It all started when the heathen sitting in the less than desirable seat in the balcony, must have been a Yale man, accidentally spilled his glass of Dom Perignon onto the blazer of the gentleman sitting next to him. He said, "Excuse me sir", to which the gentleman with the wet blazer replied, "Sir! I demand satisfaction!" He then stood up and scolded him severely! Well, Cynthia almost fainted at the sight of such roughhewns and I summoned the chauffer and we were whisked back to Winchester. I must say it will be some time before we dare to go back to the Pops again!

Seriously -- we're not all like that in Winchester.

First We Have Brunch with our Moms, Then We Take Cambridge

Zombiewalk returns this Sunday; you could give Mom brains, brains, brains for Mother's Day... if she's into that.

And speaking of brains for bruch, I present you with Zombie Cate Blanchett and her Distressingly Bruised Bosoms.

Nicholas G. Carr: My new internet crush

Okay, so he went to Dartmouth undergrad; so no one's perfect. And Dartmouth is pretty close to Smith. But come on! So cute, so intellectual, so cutting edge. I should talk to him about what we're doing with Mobile technologies, and I'd love to debate with him how cell phones have irreversibly changed our society.

PS: OMG, he quotes my fave T.S. Eliot! Rumor has it he might be a Mormon, but I don't think I care. This man uses his brain on all that I've been musing on of late, such stuff as my career and future might be made on.

Math lessons with Abbie

Not only does Abbie have a posse, he also had a birthday. And he chose to spend it, not fucking in public (usually a very cat thing to do, but once a year he cedes it tot he humans, I guess) but rather teaching you math.

Well-trained chicks and ducks

As much as I love the Fug Girls, I'm way more concerned about his lack of a chin in this picture, than about the pastel.

Kerry Healey's no-brainer

See, whenever I feel down about beign dateless, I get another story about how dangerous dating is, and I can refocus. Now we've got GPS monitoring for batterers, which is brilliant, but God I can't believe we still need this -- and instead we need it more than ever. Sigh.

Offline

I've had two deaths in the family, I didn't get a promotion at the paper that I really wanted and was perfect for (everyone is shocked; they all thought I was a shoe-in), I've got two huge work deadlines looming over me, and a third deadline for the fraternity. So..

1. If I'm cranky, I'm sorry.

2. If I'm weepy, it's not you, it's me.

3. If I have any reason to think that a communication from you is going to be anything less than incredibly sweet and supportive and nice, I won't answer the phone/read the message/reply. Tough shit. (I've currently got two unread e-mails and a third I wish I hadn't opened. I deleted it, which was smart, because it prevents me from sending the kind of bitchy reply it deserves, but that I would later regret.)

4. If you've got your own issues/problems/fuck-ups that you want to project onto me, or dump my way, now's not the time. Sack up.

My horoscope said I can take some time out to lick my wounds, so I will. I'll be back to form next week.

Get outdoors!

Hooray, hooray, the First of May! You know what to do with this bench...

Why you're still single

I have lots of guy friends who can't understand why they're still single. Why are they surrounded by all these great women, but they can't get dates? It's very hard to tell a friend you care about that they're just not boyfriend -- let alone husband -- material, but perhaps this little anecdote can help shed some light on the problem.

For reasons not crucial to this story, I am friends with a bunch of brothers of a fraternity other than my own. One of these guys, let's call him Jackie Chan, often talks about his desire to quit his job and retire early. To be fair, he's got a great job, owns his house, and in general leads a responsible life. But he's not an investing whiz, he didn't write the great American novel/screenplay, he hasn't invented the next Google. His best plan so far involves marrying a rich woman, and of course she should be gorgeous too. I don't think he's considered what he would have to offer her in return.

Well, it certainly won't be his charm or thoughtfulness. The boys are having a party in Jersey, and Jackie Chan isn't going because he doesn't have a date. I've played stunt date before at this thing, and I've been known to use a stunt date myself for other similar occasions, so last-minute, I offered my services. Anyway, it's been a few months since I've been down to New York, and I'm going to be traveling for the next few months, so a trip to see a bunch of the guys and their women would be nice.

Not gonna happen. I just got this e-mail from him:

I might have kung fu in the afternoon on Saturday....
Would you mind meeting up at the Ball?

I did mention it's somewhere in Jersey, right? Oh, also it turns out that not too many of the guys are going after all.

So I replied:

Yeah, that would actually suck unspeakably a lot. Considering that I will have just gotten in from Boston, won't have a car, won't know how to get there, and will know like 3 people there.

I think I'll skip it this year and stay safely up north. But maybe some other time, if a bunch of folks I know are going and you're once again in desperate need of a date -- desperate enough to settle for a non-supermodel who's worth a few million less than what you aspire to in your "marry rich and retire early" plan... ;)

Have fun at Kung Fu!

Guys, in case you haven't heard, there was this revolution a few decades ago. We don't need you anymore; we only associate with you because we like to. Now, to be fair, Jackie Chan and I are never going to date; we're just not those kinds of friends. But bad habits don't stay contained; they have a tendency to spill over into other situations. So if you ever expect to convince one of us to put up with your stinky feet and X-Box addiction, you'd best start practicing the little niceties on the guinea pigs you already have available.

Glass half-full

oh how I do love This American Life.

Express Yourself

I used to have one of those spandex dresses, until someone in my dorm named VA "borrowed" it and never gave it back. Which still makes me sad, because it was totally the kind of dress I would never wear again but would love to keep in my closet to pull out and show off to my daughters what crazy hot shit I used to be in college. Seriously, I wore that dress in Spain playing pool in bars, and I could have made some serious money if we were gambling -- No one could pay attention to their game.

I do have a picture somewhere, at least. I'll try to find it and post it here, so you can see my former glory.

Hair tips for girls

I'm at a party where I know no one. A college party, no less, in a neighborhood where I used to teach junior high (probably while these kids were still in elementary school, if I'm lucky). A punk rock basement band college party, and I'm wearing a velvet skirt and no leather or visible piercings. I'm just there to keep a friend company, and we're only supposed to stay for a minute.

Not really equipped for the mosh pit, I go out on the deck for some air. Damn I want a cigarette, but no way am I going to bum from these kids. I lean against the doorframe and observe.

"Excuse me, I know this is really strange to ask, but... How do you get your hair to do that? It's so gorgeous!"

Okay, I do have fabulous hair, but you wouldn't think the punk rockers would appreciate it... So I tell the pretty blond in the orange hoodie my secret for five-minute hair fabulousness:

1. Flip head over and dry as quickly as possible
2. Comb out snarls.
3. Put in a dozen velcro rollers, the kind with metal on the inside so they heat up (cheap at CVS)
4. Blast for a minute or two with the hair dryer on high heat.
5. Get in car, drive to party, remove before exiting car.

She laughs. "wow, if I'd known it was so easy... I never do anything with my hair; I still have semen in it from last nigh-- oh, did I just say too much?"

"Hey, whatever works!"

Now we've bonded. She introduces me to all her friends, and within minutes I've rubbed a few shaved heads and learned how to open a beer with a lighter. A cute guy named Bubba has his arm around my waist while I smoke a cig he bummed for me. The kids in the yard below us are wailing a hard-core a cappella version of some Journey song, and all is right with the world.

More good news for this weekend

Daily Love for April 14, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com

Daily Flirt:
Fate or free will? A sign could drive itself nuts contemplating the question too closely. It might be a crazy cocktail of both. The stars can push you in a certain direction, but only you can decide how you get there.

Daily Couples:
Draw on your deepest instincts when deciding how to surprise your partner today. The odds are good that you will come up with something nearly perfect!

Daily Singles:
Why go with the flow when you can channel some fabulous romantic energy right where you want it? You can use your bountiful charms to make sweet stuff happen now -- and you'll never know unless you try.

A tale of two streets - The Boston Globe

My office is in this area, and I agree -- Congress Street wins! The street is way more comfortable and human-scaled (at least it will be when all the construction is done), the cars don't speed down the street at highway velocity, the kids from the Children's Museum are adorable, the bars and cafes are cuter. And, though they threw someone off the roof of one of our buildings in The Departed, they're not doing that anymore, so it's much safer, too!

Today's forecast

Daily Love for April 13, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com

Daily Flirt:
Emotions can be overwhelming, but remind yourself to breathe through it and that change can -- and will -- happen. Allowing yourself to feel something in its entirety guarantees that you won't end up stuck there.
[Breathe, what? That's actually been troublesome, love-wise, of late, so good advice.]

Daily Couples:
Your romantic instincts are strong. Now's the time to find a new way to show or tell sweetie how you really feel. They will be blown away by your passionate energy.
[I think I've been pretty good lately about being honest with how I feel, and I don't know how much more I would want to blow anyone away. Blown away sounds too much like "away" for my comfort, but I'll keep trying...]

Daily Singles:
You're bewitching, beguiling and not in the least bewildered, if the stars have their say. The right thing to say, the right move to make, the right place to be -- it's all occurring to you as if by magic.
[Magic! I'm telling you, it's all going to work out. I swear.]

Sunday Times with the Lumberjack

Lumberjacks are everywhere, it's not just me.

I know, you want me to embed the video, not just link to it. But YouTube is giving me a hard time (maybe because I once worked for Viacom?).

Put your money where my mouth is

Hey there, my loving and loyal audience!

Remember when we debated whether I should go back to NPR? And you were all for it?

Remember how this brilliant artist, who should know a thing or two about culture, started getting all insistent that I get myself on the radio, or find myself a public forum in which to tell my stories? He wants me to be the next Spalding Gray, the witty, frantic voice of my generation, but without the personal neuroses, depression and suicide.

Remember that an impartial measure determined that I have a good voice for tv and radio? Because I do!

Well dig this, baby -- the time has come to put it all to the test.

The Public Radio Talent Quest!

Check out my profile, and give me suggestions on how to improve it. Then pass the link around and spread the word, and when the time comes, Vote Early and Often! When I'm all Public Radio famous, I won't forget who helped me get there, and I'll share your stories with the world (with your permission, of course!)

This is your song

JodiRoadie wrote a song for me! Yes, this is about George, yes, he was going to build me a house of strawberries, yes, there was a barn, but it was to be full of artichokes, not sunflowers. Hard to rhyme "Artichoke" though...

I love it!

Getting around

Christ, I just read Bostonist for all my music recommending needs. They know what I like and how to make me happy.

Globe cuts 24 newsroom jobs in buyout - The Boston Globe

I'm so sad to hear that Eileen McNamara took the buyout (god I love her, I was so happy when she won the Pulitzer). But, on the flip side, restaurant critic Alison Arnett is also leaving, which means there's hope for me yet! Wish I had some clips ready, but at the very least, there might be an opportunity for some freelance work, to get my foot in the door.

Impeach him TWICE!

Buckle on those balls....

Ramen! Ramen! Ramen!

It's not always bad to have soup on your lapel (though I'd prefer it on my cell phone).

Nappy Perfection

"Everyone, no matter how high-strung, has the capacity to nap."

You hear that, Haneway?

mmmm, I could use one right now....

Daily Scope

Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Wherever you go today, you will be able to effortlessly put your special mark on things. All you have to do is speak your mind in your usual clever way, and don't let yourself get intimidated by anyone. This is a great time for you, because you are full of unique ideas and a fierce charm that could bring a marble statue to life! The role of entertainer is becoming more and more comfortable to you, and you should explore ways to spend a little more time in the spotlight. People want more of you.

Well, this works. I spent the day in meetings at the paper, where I charmingly convinced people to change their workflow to dovetail with my larger goals for my projects and content development. And I was magnificent.

Weekly romance (by Astrology.com)
You're on a self-improvement kick this week. Monday and Tuesday you're focused on your body -- a new yoga class, a new cardio routine, something like that. Wednesday and Thursday you're focused on a relationship -- most likely a romantic one, although if you're not with anyone right now it could be a friend or ally. In any case, this relationship needs a fresh jolt. Do something brave together. Friday and Saturday have nothing to do with romance, although dinner in an unusual spot (a great date idea) figures on Sunday.

Again, pretty on-target. I started rock-climbing on Tuesday, and tonight I meet with the personal trainer. Focused on a relationship? Hah, That's pretty much been my week. Crying report: none yesterday, and I actually slept last night. Crying started again today, and also, unfortunately, the dead hope tried to resurrect itself. That's a bad idea; it's better off dead.

Fortunately, a new flirtation just presented himself; cute, sweet, smart, interesting, and taller than either the Lumberjack or the Cap'n. Unfortunately, I mentioned the Cap'n to a mutual acquaintance, and he immediately guessed his real identity. I'd love to know how he knew that (has he talked to the Cap'n? Had I tipped my cards some other way?), but it's not possible to simultaneously deny and delve in a situation like that.

but on the plus side...

(I keep thinking of really clever titles, but then as soon as I set down to type up a post -- whoosh, they're gone, and you're left with cliches...)

As I was saying, the good side of heartbreak keeps showing up:
1. Feeling something is good.
2. Although it would seem to be too soon for the nausea to be having any effect, my pants are way looser this morning.
3. Started working on a long-dormant screenplay again today, and also have a book idea to work on with my intern. We are going to be such a cute, charming and telegenic pair that everyone will want us on their talk shows. And you know that talk-show circuit = Green room hanging = meeting cute with My Husband backstage.
4. I feel gorgeous. And it's not just me who thinks so -- I've been complimented on both my hair and my teeth today, by two people. And the teeth got lots of attention yesterday too! Heartbreak is the latest whitening advance; someone tell Crest!

To stick with the theme, I was At the Good Pain for lunch today.

Tears of a Clown

Woke up nauseated. And hot-faced.
Cried in the shower again. Hoping I won't do that at work.
For now, the interns are taking care of me, giving me pep talks and letting me figuratively cry on their shouldners over IM.

But as miserable as I am, it's good to know that I still have a heart to break. I've had my share of crushes over the years, but I can't remember the last time I acutally cried over losing a guy. In a strange way, it feels good to be hurting like this.

Libertine

There has been a liberation. Free at last and all that jazz.

No, I don't really feel that good about it yet. The parts of today when I wasn't actually in tears, I wanted to be, but put on the brave face to be polite (in drunken company). Thank God for Eighties Dave, who perfectly called at just the right moment for me to cry on his shoulder. And that's fine; I need to cry more anyhow. Also spread the wealth among the many fine sturdy shoulders available to me, not lean on Von quite so much.

Things have changed, finally, in the PN firmament. Shaken up. Even Catmandoo isn't mooning around all lovesick and predictable anymore. Time has come for me to fall into step with the Revolution. I'm going to cast my attentions on someone who deserves them, like maybe the Captain. After all, if that Tarot card reading is going to come true, I need to be a good girl between now and August. Less aspiration, more appreciation.

Funny, before I started writing, I thought I had wittier, pithier things to say. So much for a 4 a.m. miracle; maybe I'll try again in daylight.

And yes, I know that's not what "libertine" means; call it poetic license.

Beware the fucking Ides of March

I have an ancestor who was a general in Julius Caesar's army. It must be his blood; I always have trouble on the Ides.

And the day is living up to the terrible expectations:

• After a crappy date (he didn't even know what the Ides of March is), I fell asleep on the couch, as Siena needed some cuddling. Woke up at 6:45 this morning
  
• Went to bed because I feel it's important to spend some time in my bed each night. Overslept.
  
• Went straight to the paper, as I didn't have time to stop by my office first. Parked in front as
  
  
  1. I don't work there and I am allowed to use that guest parking
     
  2. I was only going to be there for 20 minutes.
  
  Regardless, I got yelled at by the front desk guy, who threatened to have me towed because I didn't park in back.
  
• Calendar staff got mad at me because their work is STILL not exporting correctly into the website. Like I'm not already miserable about this and have been trying to get it fixed for months-- now they're yelling at me too?
  
• Late for meeting with traffic folks, my car got ticketed, and I was cranky during the meeting. But I pulled it together, and was charming enough that they want to give me a helicoptor ride.
  
• New seating chart has me sitting next to the guy who makes the wierd bird noises. I am appealing it to HR.
  
• The mammogram department has been trying to reach me for two days; they finaly caught me just now. They found a cyst and need me to go back and make sure everything's normal. Which it will be, I'm not worried, just annoyed. More of my time getting used up. At least they're very nice.
  
• I want the Captain, tonight (he claims to owe me a spanking; how nice to not have to be the one in charge). But haven't heard anything from him today, and he hasn't flirted since last week. Considering how things have been going today, I'd say it's not the day for a bold move on my part.

That said, I am surprisingly chipper. And so looking forward to Chez Henri tonight!

Shins on Segways

'Nuff said.

It's not Lupus

Just got back from the doc. Not lupus, not rosacea, not any other gross-sounding skin ailments from legendary 1960's ad campaigns. Definitely not leprosy.

It is some obscure and hella strong allergic reaction, so I'm seeing another specialist, still on scary meds, still can't wear makeup, in fact have to avoid more stuff. Apparently even baby shampoo and Cetaphil are too risky for me right now, until we figure out what's the cause.

Thanks all for your concern and support, I really appreciate it. Oh, but the stitches did pull loose too early, and the biopsy site is still healing. So no poking me in the chin, okay?

Surprise bonus Gothic Industrial fun on Friday

When the Downbeat 5 were sold out at the Middle East Friday, Von and I swung around the corner to see what was shaking at TT's. I laughed when I saw the flyer for Goth Night, and had to check it out. We ended up having a great time, and I'm all excited to go back next week!

Also ran into my former intern, for added strangeness points.

Another point for the Baby Psychic

Back in January, I sent the following e-mail to the Fug Girls regarding Salma Hayek's performance announcing the Oscar nominees:

Wait, you only had issue with Salma's bangs at the Oscar noms announcement? I was watching that yesterday, and as soon as she walked out, my first thought was "Ohh, the Fug Girls are going to have something to say about that maternity dress/muu-muu/whatever that is she's wearing..." Then I had to click back through to what she wore to the Golden Globes to make sure she isn't *actually* pregnant.

Yet, I was a little suspicious of all that draping in front of the bump-prone area.

Seriously, don't ever doubt my baby psychicness. Salma Engaged & Expecting; so says E!

D, let me know when you get the results next week. I think I'm feeling it's a girl.

Pants. On. Fire.

indexed: Hot.

Rawk out

Just got my little Boston-area concert update (maybe not so surprisingly, I don't actually get it from my employer...)

Anyone interested in checking out any of these shows?

• Rhett Miller, Friday, Mar 9, Paradise Rock Club
  
• Pete Yorn, Monday, Mar 19, Avalon
  
• The Decemberists, Friday, Mar 23 & Saturday, Mar 24, Avalon
  
• Lucinda Williams, Saturday, Mar 24, Orpheum Theatre
  
• Bloc Party, Wednesday, Mar 28, Orpheum Theatre
  
• Aqualung, Tuesday, Apr 17, Paradise Rock Club
  On Sale Sat, 3/10 at 12 pm
  
• Shawn Mullins, Tuesday, May 15, Paradise Rock Club
  

Support Britney Spears!

She needs us now more than ever. And Wesleying isn't the only one on the Save Britney bandwagon...

Daler Mendhi and Brown U

Brown University had a video contest. The winners get first pick in the housing lottery. These kids did a frame-by-frame parody of Daler Mendhi, and they feature Ruth Simmons!

An evolving lexicon of inclusivity

I like the gender-neutral pronouns and the shout-out to old Wes, of course. But I also appreciate the implied permission to say "black" again. Many of my black friends have Caribbean ancestry, and some are not American, so "African American" never sat well with me.

Whew, glad we got that resolved!

A Life Less Ordinary

TK

These Days

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days.
These days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling these days
These days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another these days
These days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.
La la la la la, la la.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming these days
These days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.

I first heard 10,000 Maniacs sing this song on several beloved mix tapes in high school. According to the Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack, it was originally sung by Nico.

Tonight I heard Mates of State perform it, during a show that gave me the latest in a chain reaction of little epiphanies. More to come soon, but These Days, my life is changing fast. If you blink, you might be left wondering where I went.

What I learned from TV

I'm going to see This American Life, live and in color, tonight!

A few points of order:

1. I'm getting tired of sending out e-mails to everyone, trying to get folks to do fun things with me. I do fabulous things, and I am excellent company, but I can have fun on my own. And Julie the Cruise Director has a thankless job. So I'm aiming for fewer e-mails, and in their stead I will post my plans here. If something interests you, leave a comment, or pop an e-mail.

2. I am an idiot. As the article didn't mention where to get tix, I googled, and I ended up at one of those reseller places. Only I didn't know it was a reseller, until my ticket arrived and it had someone else's name on it, and a way lower price...

Get schooled

As a former teacher in the Boston Public Schools, I can assure you that they need all the help they can get. So you should definitely get yourself over to this benefit tomorrow night, and enjoy the fine fine music. Maybe you'll also get to see me flirting with a cute musician, if the mood strikes.

Come on, do it for the kids.

(PS: Blogger ate this post as well, had to re-write. Does anyone know what's going on? I keep getting title fields with empty posts below them...)

Planet of the Apes

Chimps are making weapons, and it's the females who are taking this bold leap forward. Slate's take, and I like it (of course) is that "the same adversity that makes humans superior to other animals at innovation also makes females superior to males". Some of us might go so far as to say that is old news.

What JC needs

Oh, Jonathan.... we all need a monkey!

Bostonist: Breaking the Lenten Cannon

Bostonist: Breaking the Lenten Cannon

All about the Seth Cohen

A little bit of pop culture algebra:

I love Seth Cohen.

Matthew Gilbert loves Seth Cohen.

I love Matthew Gilbert.

(I hear he's gay, or maybe married -- or both! Yay, Massachusetts! -- but all my favorite men are, so what's the diff?)

Don't cry for me, Bahamanians!

The latest decision in the ever-more-complex Anna Nicole saga came down today, and I have two questions:

1. Why was the judge crying as he delivered the verdict?
2. Why is her body decomposing faster than expected?

This story just keeps giving and giving. It's got it all -- love, sex, money, death, intrigue, politics (she won before the Supreme Court, don't forget), international diplomacy. Man, if I were still in the newsroom, I would feel Like His Girl Friday right now...

Houston Livestock Show And Rodeo!

I'm off to see me some Beyonce on a flatbed!

Were You Caught in the Viacom Takedown?

The Electronic Frontier Foundation is using YouTube to get back at Viacom!

If your videos or account got wiped out in the melee, which turns out to have been a first volley in Viacom's new partnership with a YouTube competitor, then talk to the EFF about your predicament.

(PS - while we're talking about free hosted platforms that eat your content, this post sucks because Blogger lost what I'd originally posted, which was way wittier, I assure you.)

Hook me up

No, of course it's not healthy. Unless you're a New Yorker, maybe.

But if you do somehow manage to have a relationship, here's a handy guide to breaking up in a Web 2.0 world. My only quibble? They tell you lots of ways to protect you from the other person, but only a few ways to protect you from yourself...

And if it gets really bad? You can always go over to the other side; it's better for the kids anyway.

Valentine never sent

I'm a jam tart, I'm a bargain basement,
I'm a work of art, I'm a magic casement,
A coal cellar, an umbrella, a sewing machine,
A radio, a hymn book, an old french bean,
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

I'm a dog's nose, I'm Sir Humphrey Davy,
I'm a Christmas rose, I'm the British Navy,
A motor, a bloater, a charcoal grill,
An octopus, a towpath, Hindenburg's will,
A villiage fair, a maiden's prayer, the BBC, a pram –
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

I'm a salmon, I'm a starting pistol,
I'm backgammon, I'm the Port of Bristol.
A Times leader, a child's feeder, an aspirin,
The Ritz Hotel, a boy scout, the wages of sin,
A shaving brush, a schoolgirl's crush, the letter B, a ham –
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

I'm an off–break, I'm a clump of beeches,
I'm a tummy ache, I'm Mussolini's speeches,
I'm Balmoral, I'm a sorrel mare, I'm a tug
A cigarette, an organ, a big bed–bug
A traffic sign, a rubber mine, a coffee tree, O damn –
I don't know what I am,
You've put a spell on me.

-- W.H. Auden

Prehistoric Romeo and Juliet found

"Archaeologists have unearthed two skeletons from the Neolithic period locked in a tender embrace and buried outside Mantua, just 25 miles south of Verona, the romantic city where Shakespeare set the tale of Romeo and Juliet. Buried between 5,000 and 6,000 years ago, the prehistoric pair are believed to have been a man and a woman and are thought to have died young, as their teeth were found intact, according to Elena Menotti, the archaeologist who led the dig."

Lovesick Monkey Valentine!

Remember how I said I was going to buy me some art?

I did! I did! Wanna see?

Also, Haneway sent me a most excellent monkey-themed valentine card, complete with monkey bookmark/paperclips inside! I swear, this is going to be the best VDay ever!

Even though no one loves me and I am going to grow old alone and sad. But I'll always have my friends. And monkeys! Monkeys, I say!

Approaching the Golden Boar

This weekend is the Lunar New Year. We are entering the Year of the Golden Boar (a special kind of Year of the Boar that happens every 60 years -- thanks for the info, TK!) Apparently this is a particularly fortuitous year in which to be born, so if you're not currently pregnant, get cracking! You've got only two more months to plant a seed! (Will this affect my vacation scheduling? Hard to say...)

Poking around Wikipedia (love Wikipedia!) I looked up my Chinese horoscope, and found out that I am a Metal Dog:

Metal is one of the five elements of Chinese alchemy. The archetypal metal is silver. Metal is associated with the west and autumn, the planet Venus and the colour white. It is believed to govern the lungs. It is associated with organization and stability. Other qualities associated with metal are unyieldingness, persistence, strength and determination. The metal person is forceful and set in their ways as metal is very strong, but they are self-reliant and enjoy the good things in life. The element metal plays an important role in Chinese Astrology and feng shui, the Chinese form of geomancy.

Like his animal namesake, [the dog] is Loyal with a capital "L". He is the one who people are most likely to turn to when they need help. The dog person will come through every time. That is because he/she is sensitive to others and empathizes with them, particularly if someone has suffered an injustice; he/she reacts quickly with the same feeling as though he/she had been personally offended. Friends know that they can rely upon their Dog friend to keep a promise or remain cool in a crisis.

Dog types are honest, intelligent and straightforward. They will take on any responsibility that is given to them and you can be sure that they will do their job well.

People born in this year tend to be difficult, upset and shocked more often than the other signs.

The dog is loyal, unselfish, and idealistic. They can sometimes be worriers and overly critical. Dogs go best with tigers and horses. Their friends are other dogs, tigers (also Von), horses and rabbits (Haneway). Dogs get along worst with Dragons, whom they perceive as arrogant and all flash with no substance.

Dogs have a yang polarity. Bill Clinton and David Bowie are dogs! (but we knew that, right?)

You Won't Be Single For Long

Thanks, Rachael Ray, for trying to solve our love woes with pasta. Why didn't I think of that sooner?

So long, Anna Nicole Smith

Holy crap! Anna Nicole Smith dies after collapsing at South Florida hotel.

Well, that's one way to get the astronaut love triangle off the front page.

Store to send lobsters gently into that good pot - The Boston Globe

See, this is why I love being back in Boston. We write literary headlines about grocery stores.

Spanking the kitty

And I thought Siena was strange with her nursing-on-cashmere obsession....

DIEpods!

I told you that iPods in public are dangerous!

(I do love, however, the side note that we are better than men at multitasking. So true. I once, once, drove with the Bachelor, and he simultaneously annoyed me with his timidity and scared the shit out of me with his incompetence. This was a man who totaled his car because he was changing the CD. I, on the other hand, can talk on the phone, eat a slice of pizza, and change the radio, all while driving my stick shift like a NYC cab driver -- or, as Dad likes to say, like Mario Andretti.)

Bostonist is spying on me

I am a bad blogger.

On February 1, I posted the following to a mailing list I'm on, regarding the Mooninites:

The best part is that they'd been up already for a few weeks, but someone only noticed them yesterday, triggering the panic.

Honestly, even if our noble leaders (dammit, I used to be a fan of Mumbles Menino, never thought he'd be so knee-jerk idiotic) do succeed in getting Turner to "reimburse" the $750K in "expense" that the stupid stupid law enforcement folks incurred upon themselves (god, I used to love Boston cops too, nice old-school central casting Irish types, call you "sweetheart" as they give you directions and such, dammit this sucks), and even if Turner agrees to pay it, which they surely will...

That's damned CHEAP for all the coverage and bonus advertising they've been getting. This is better than 30 seconds of Superbowl time, and what's the rate for that this year? 2.4 MILLION per spot? $750K for days and days of coverage, introducing Frylock to whole new audiences... I wonder what the ratings will be like this week.

Right after I mailed that out, I considered cutting and pasting it into a blog post, but then had actual work to do, and never got around to it. Then everyone and their mother was writing about it, and it seemed like old news, so I didn't bother.

But then last night, Bostonist posts a follow-up story about the Turner pay-out, and they make the very same point that I did about the free advertising. Now, I know that my point wasn't particularly profound, but here's the thing -- they linked to the very same two-year-old CNN story about Super bowl ad rates that I referenced!

Had I actually posted it here, I would have thought they were loyal readers and were lifting off me. But I didn't post, so I can only conclude that someone over there must be subscribing to the same obscure discussion list in New Jersey!

Serves me right for being lazy.

1-31-2007 Never Forget

Some of you heard me raging about our terror-fueled folly last week. I could go on about how I'd feel safer if our law enforcement showed a bit of judgment, but I think I'll just let the Voice speak for me for now...

Back in the Saddle

Get your high-res Potter porn here.

Google Patents brings you . . .

Monkeys in Spa-a-a-ace!

In an increasingly customizable world...

Today, the Suzuki in front of me on the highway had an annoying bumper sticker. As soon as I saw it, I instinctively reached for the car radio -- to what? Change the channel on the Sidekick? Tivo forward and skip it?

I think so! I think it was like when you reach for the remote when an ad comes on tv. If I were a coffee drinker, I'd be tempted to explain this behavior with "I hadn't had my first cup yet," but that's no excuse for me. I had seen an alarm clock last night that changes the color of the case when you tap the side; maybe that was it? Honestly, I think we've gotten to the point where we expect to be able to modify every aspect of our existence...